This is not what we do
by GirlonaBridge
Summary: Janet and Rachel are drawn to each other but don't want to admit what this might mean. A series of Janet/Rachel moments from across the episodes - not in chronological order. Very fluffy and sometimes just a little bit angsty.
1. Chapter 1

'That night when she slept at your flat.' That night when she slept at yours. That night Janet slept...

Rachel groaned, sprawled deeper into the sofa. The words kept churning round and round in her head. And her own ones, the ones she kept shoving out of thought. 'Well I'm sh...'. Not happening. The two thoughts were not happening together in the same head space. Janet... her flat... shagging. Shut up knobhead. Rachel banged her head back on the arm of the sofa. Shut up. She was never in your flat, she told herself, not like that, not even to sleep. That night, wherever she was, she was somewhere else. Not with Rachel.

'Well duh, obviously', Rachel said it out loud to emphasise the point, kick her stupid side back into its box. But the idea that Janet had been sleeping with someone, cheating on Adrian in actual fact, was giving Rachel's stupid side all the encouragement it needed to wriggle out of its usual confines. That Janet could... that Janet could possibly... lie, cheat, shag about, get drunk and pull somebody, go home with them and... Rachel banged her head again, harder. Kick the images back. Do not go there. And what she had said to Adrian, it was only a joke, but where the hell had that come out of? Oh God, she, Rachel, was sleeping in Janet's house. And she hadn't let that mean anything, she hadn't let her imagination run away with her once since she moved into that tiny back bedroom. Even with Jan's smell lurking everywhere about the boxes of police files and her and Ade's bedroom close enough that Rachel could hear the rumble of their conversations when the house was dark and everyone pretending to be asleep.

Because Janet Scott played it straight. She toed the line. She stuck to the rules. She was the one who could always be trusted, always relied upon, steady and sure, calm and solid. Most of the time you couldn't imagine her getting in a passion about anything. Well, Rachel could. Rachel had seen enough already to know that strong feelings did rage at times under a strict self-control that Rach herself could only marvel at. But she tried to put that out of her head. Yeah, partly because she wanted Janet to be the one who she leaned on. Well, needed her to be was more like it. But also because the thought of passionate Janet was far too unsettling. It caused Rachel's blood to rush and yet another head bang against the sofa.

'Ow!' A bit too hard that time. Rachel did hear the key in the door, but didn't think to stop herself thinking out loud again. 'Well done knobhead, it's not worth giving yourself concussion over.'

'What's not?' Janet appeared in the living room doorway.

'Ohhhh nothing.' Rachel played for time, deliberately not reacting. She didn't sit up, trying not to look guilty and also avoiding Janet's eyes for a moment.

'OK.' Janet wasn't fooled. 'You got a bottle open?' Rachel waved at the coffee table and hauled herself upright. She was clearly busted.

'You get your coat off, I'll get you a glass.' Rachel passed Janet in the doorway with a small smile and held her breath as she felt her friend's eyes on her all the way down the hall to the kitchen.

Once they were settled on the sofa with a glass of red wine each, Rachel could feel the questions coming. Janet's famous interview skills - she was no match.

'So I told Adrian I was shagging you tonight.' If in doubt, Rachel Bailey, open your mouth. Nice one. Janet went very still beside her. Rachel kept on the offensive.

'But it wasn't me he was worried about, cos he thought maybe you had been cheating on him with someone else,' she continued, 'some bloke.' Someone who is actually a threat, she thought, more bitter than she had realised. Janet was looking at her now. Those huge blue eyes boring into her own and the only thing Rachel could do was stare back, challenging, and keep pushing.

'See it was that night you slept at my flat.' Janet flickered. The bad part of Rachel twisted. It was true. 'Only...' Rachel left the thought hanging in the air. She dropped her voice to a breath, 'Who was it?'

The question hushed over Janet's skin, lifting stray hairs from her cheek. She watched Rachel waiting for an answer, her brain so obviously whirring harder than an out of date fridge. Distraction techniques, blocking out thought waves, fidgetting herself to keep in her seat. Didn't she realise how easily Janet could read her?

'Why did you tell Ade you were shagging me?'

Rachel stopped. Everything shut down. Trust Janet. Spot the strange detail and go straight for the jugular. Rachel had got away with it with Adrian. People don't just go around saying they're shagging their best mate, expecially not to their best mate's husband. It was a weird joke, not funny, but Adrian was too wrapped up in his own line of thought to even notice what she had said. Trust Janet though.

'Rachel?' And she was going to demand an answer.

'I dunno', Rachel dropped her head. 'I dunno, just a stupid thing to say, thought he'd laugh.'

Janet half smiled. Rach was always shit at lying to her. She was a slump of disappointment and confusion and neediness in the corner of the sofa.

'It was a one time thing. A mistake.' Janet made the words very deliberate. A confession. A sharing. Rachel's head snapped up. They held a look, carefully , Janet willing understanding across to her friend. I am trusting you, I am sharing with you, I am letting you in.

'It was Andy.'

Rachel drew a heavy breath. Janet's face suddenly so vulnerable.

'Just when you thought you knew someone,' somehow the thought actually came out of her mouth.

'Yeah,' Janet's eyes were piercing again, 'I could say the same thing.' She softened slightly as Rachel automatically assumed a shade of kicked puppy. 'What's going on Rach?'

And Rachel couldn't think. She looked at her friend, curled in on the other side of the sofa, her fine blonde hair caught back and wisping round her face, those eyes all concern and care, the soft lines of skin on her face, that smell that was such a marker in Rachel's world, such an indicator of safety and happiness, their knees almost touching. Rachel didn't think. She opened her mouth.

'Janet I'm sorry. I dunno. You don't have to... I don't know what's going on in my head. I'm just...'

She didn't think. She opened her mouth. She leaned forward. And she kissed her. Warm and soft and hungry, of course. Making about as much sense as the words she had failed with. Pulling Janet closer and finding herself wrapped in all that softness and fierceness and passion she didn't allow herself to think about, Janet's arms around her and lips pushing insistently against lips. Rachel was breathless when they pulled apart and she still couldn't think.

'Sorry... shit Jan... I'm...'

'Hey', Janet's voice was very very soft, her hand touched Rachel's arm. 'It's ok.'

'Is it?' Desperation hardened Rachel's voice.

'Yeah.' That calm. That confidence. Rachel shook her head. She could never get over Janet Scott.

Janet's face was deadpan. 'After all, you are shagging me.'

They held the moment between them.

And then it cracked. They crumpled into cackles of laughter. Loud enough to almost wake Taisie. Loud enough to make Adrian turn over in bed with a hump of jealousy.

The laughter left them in a backwash of tiredness. Janet looked older and Rachel went pale. They shared a quieter look now, mutually agreed to leave all this to another day. Rachel stood up first.

'I should have gone to bed hours ago.'

At the top of the stairs, Rachel heard her voice called softly from behind. Janet leaned against the wall at the bottom of the staircase. Her voice was very low, and though she was obviously trying to make every word as serious and weighty as if she were in an interview Rachel could hear the unsteadiness behind it. 'I don't normally... do... any of this.'

Rachel nodded. They were best friends. They could generally read each others' minds or at least each others' feelings, moods, intentions. Even when what they said was completely different. She nodded.

'Nor do I.'


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you for reviews! It's a very long time since I last wrote fanfic so it's nice to know that people like.**

**I should say, I reserve the right to go back and forwards in time with these moments. This one is from Series 1, episode6.**

"Where you going?"

"Pub. You coming?"

Janet marched from the office, Rachel trailing behind. Janet steamed down the corridor, through the doors, down the staircase, through door after door, all without pause. Janet never looked back as they crossed the road and entered the pub. Rachel was drawn onwards in her wake and only began to protest when they bypassed the bar completely and went straight to the back.

'Toilets.' Janet didn't stop or turn. Rachel couldn't. When she pushed through the final door, Janet did a quick, thorough sweep of the room, making sure it was empty. She stopped very firmly in the middle of the narrow space, just as Rachel caught up and the door swung to.

'Janet, what are you doing?' Rachel had had a long, odd day and she thought that she barely knew which way was up. When even Jan started acting crazy, she began to feel she was living in some kind of surreal dream.

Janet placed her hands firmly on Rachel's shoulders.

'You are an absolute knobhead.' Rachel nodded.

'You're an idiot.' Rachel nodded again, caught.

'But you deserve that job. You're bloody good at it.' Rachel found herself tearing up and tried desperately to blink them back. She didn't look away.

'I would miss you something stupid if you weren't there everyday. I did miss you, being off for so long.' Rachel lowered her eyes. She was standing in some scummy pub toilets, trapped in Janet's gaze and after everything else this week, some things were just too much to think about.

'Yeah, well…' she began but Janet cut her off, pushed her insistently back into the door.

'Shut up Rachel.'

And she pushed against her so that all in an instant Rachel got it and she heard the words that Janet didn't say _'Shut up and snog me'_, words that she couldn't say even if she had needed to, because their mouths were already tugging hungrily at each other. Janet's arms went up around Rachel's neck and Rachel wrapped hers around the smaller woman to pull her even closer. Their bodies pressed hard against each other against the door, hands grasped and slid over hair and arms, backs, chests, faces. They kissed fast, greedy. Both were breathless within seconds. Janet was the first to pull away.

She looked at Rachel steadily, her hands resting on Rachel's shoulders again.

'I need a drink. And so do you by the look of you.'

Rachel realised she was shaking. She nodded, not trusting her voice, tried clearing her throat.

'Come on Rach,' Janet clasped her hand, 'before I have a nervous breakdown.'

Rachel realised that despite her friend's seeming steadiness, Janet was almost as shaken as she was. A rush of guilt and gratitude ran over her. She hugged Janet close. _'Thank you.' _For several breaths they stood there then both turned at the same moment, adjusted their clothing, grabbed their discarded handbags and, with a half smile to each other, headed to the bar.


	3. Chapter 3

'I just want something that's not complicated.' Janet groaned at her reflection in the familiar mirror of the MIT office toilets.

'We're not.. complicated... are we?'

Rachel turned away, afraid that her face would betray her hurt. She was trying her hardest lately to keep herself on an even keel around Janet, to be there for Jan when her friend needed her, instead of being the emotional one.

'We're not normal.' Janet snorted, but she smiled a bit too.

'Yeah, well,' Rachel's heart gave a little jump, which she quickly suppressed. It was a relief to see Janet smile.

'Normal's overrated.'

She turned to face the mirrors too and leaned over sideways until she gently nudged shoulders with the smaller woman. Very gently, Jan looked so fragile.

'Eh? Isn't life with me just a thrill a minute?'

'Yes. Well.' Janet sounded decided. 'I think I could do with a few less thrills just at the moment thank you.'

'Okay.' Rachel spoke very carefully. She slid her body back away from Janet a couple of inches. _Don't take offence. This is not about you. This is about Janet. Just give her a bit of space._ She looked in the mirror to gauge the reaction in the big blue eyes which were still a little watery round the corners. Jan was holding herself together but the effort was clearly visible and Rachel was not going to be the one to make that any harder for her.

Inside, a little part of Janet Scott's brain laughed, a tiny fond exasperated laugh. Rachel probably had no idea how endearingly wary and caring she looked_. _She probably would have pulled a disgusted face if she had. Not many people saw that look on her face. But Janet wasn't going to have her best friend treating her like a china doll. She turned towards her.

'Not you, mush. If you start deserting me I'll really fall apart.'

Rachel visibly relaxed. 'I would hug you, but I'm scared I'd break ya.' She grinned. Janet snorted and slid her arms around her.

'As if.' She rested her head on Rachel's shoulder and drew a long breath.

'Eh, are you saying I'm not hard enough? I used to have quite a reputation round our way, I'll have you know.'

'In your dreams,' muttered Janet into her neck and followed it up with a quick kiss.

Rachel shivered. _This is not the time. _She drew back then and planted a firm but brief kiss on Janet's lips. Now was definitely not the time to be getting too involved. Jan was still too vulnerable for one thing, and for another, Gill had more or less given Rachel the go-ahead to go check on Janet, but she had also given her a job to do. There was no saying when the boss herself would arrive to see where Janet had got to and, typical Godzillla, would expect Rachel to be back at work. Neither of them really needed to be caught out right now either. They wouldn't want any... misunderstandings.

Janet picked up on her shift of tone and switched the conversation back to the case, glad to concentrate on something less emotional. The issue of whether they had to charge Daysha Kaye for sexual assualt seemed to be sorted, but they were still no closer to solving the murder they had started with. Janet even smiled slightly when Rachel relayed Gill's opinion that she was less stroppy when busy.

"You haven't been stroppy for hoursh Janet returned and the two shared a look.

_Hmmm _thought Rachel, _that might have something to do with snogging you in the back alley this afternoon. _She didn't say anything, but she could tell that Janet was thinking about the same thing.

...

They really shouldn't have. It was the first break they had had all day, straight out of an interview that had disturbed, though not surprised, them both. The locker room was empty. And likely to stay that way, everyone else had taken breaks at more usual times. Rachel had already dug out her fags and opened the door to the alley when Janet stepped up close behind her.

'D'you fancy one?'

Slow as always at these moments, Rachel turned with her mouth already open on a question.

'Not a fag, obviously. You've got fags. Do you...' Janet nudged the door to behind them. 'D'you fancy a quick snog?'

It was the closest they had come to talking about it.

It was happening more and more frequently though, and Rachel wondered when she would stop being surprised whenever it was Janet who initiated it. If she ever would. She shoved her fags in her jacket pocket. Think about it later. Thinking wasn't the important thing just then.

What was important was leaning back against the wall, reaching for Janet, unable to stop a smile. What was important was sliding their arms around each other and pressing their lips together, letting little pecks deepen to slow real kisses. It was important to notice the sensation of Janet's mouth tugging at her lower lip and her own tongue sliding round just inside Jan's lips. What was holding each other close and taking it slow and easy. Important to cradle Janet's head just so, to remember what those fingers felt like on her cheek, to kiss each corner of her mouth when they half paused for a breath.

.

They really shouldn't have. Janet knew this. She really shouldn't have. And it wasn't the case, exactly. She was too professional for that, far too experienced. Yes, there was something utterly bleak about the whole situation and that young girl's bitter acceptance: gA nice girl went looking for excitement and got out of her depth.h But no worse than any other day. And Janet refused to let those words touch a nerve. She refused to think about the last person she had snogged in that same alleyway or all the tension and conflict that had arisen from that... situation. She refused to think about what she was doing now, with Rachel. Definitely not in the same category. Preferably not in any category at all. It was just... something she needed. Something they obviously both needed, judging by the way Rachel moaned slightly as she teased her mouth open. Moaning. Was that new? She hadn't really been thinking about what they had been doing very much. It certainly sent deeper tingles through Janet than she wanted to think about. In fact, if she was honest, she had been trying very hard not to think about any of it. _Yes. Bugger off brain. Stop thinking. _After all, this was hardly the time for thoughts.

This was the time for slipping a hand inside Rachel's jacket, for pulling kisses slower and slower till it almost felt that they were outside of time. It was the time for realising that the two of them were breathing in rhythm and for noticing that Rachel's eyelids were flickering like someone rapidly dreaming, a sensation that was so delicate against her skin that it caused a deep inexplicable ache to rise in Janet's chest. Another thing not to think about. Instead, Janet focused on drawing out another of those tiny precious moans and trying to swallow it.

...

They really shouldn't have, Janet reflected as she stood in the toilets, an hour or so later as the door banged behind a departing Rachel. There were a lot things they shouldn't have done. Being separated at work lately seemed to have made them worse. gIth didn't seem to be affecting anything else though. Harmless. She would keep telling herself that. And it was no good thinking about gwhat ifsh. If Rachel had been smoking her fag at the proper time and had accompanied Janet back up to the office, that whole blow up with Andy could have been a lot worse. Either that or it would have happened some other time. It had been on the cards.

Janet was gathering herself finally before going back into the office to face the fray. To face Gill, and the team, and Andy. She could do it. She just wanted to make sure she was altogether back into herself before she went out there, altogether tied down and strong and self-controlled again. She could do it. She took one last steadying breath and checked her appearance in the mirror. Still there.

_At least_ , she told her reflection silently, _at least you know you are loved._


	4. Chapter 4

**A snippet. Happens the day before the previous chapter. **

* * *

"He's brung me another stick."

Rachel held out the old family photo from Sean's album and pulled a face. She perched on the edge of the desk while Janet examined it and made cute noises. Poor Jan, being stuck in a cupboard all day, being sidelined by that twat. She stretched her legs out close to her friend, wanting, but not wanting to ask for, something to cheer her up; suspecting too that Janet could do with a bit of excitement in her day.

Janet chuckled over the resemblance between Rachel and her mum, but smiled sympathetically when Rachel groaned about Sean and his meddling ways. It was nice to be sought out, nice to have company and a bit of a laugh, to actually use more than two brain cells at a time. Yesterday had been bad but today she had been bored witless from the get go. Rachel was a breath of fresh air, a jolt of electricity. Janet could feel the tension coming off her. She placed the photo on the desk beside where Rachel sat, letting the edge of her hand rest against Rachel's leg. Go.

Rachel leaned over, placed a kiss on the top of Janet's head, breathed in the smell of her hair, then Janet tilted her head back and they rested their forehead's together.

'Door's open' breathed Janet, brushing her lips against Rachel's.

'I know.' Rachel's eyebrow twitched against Janet's. She shifted her head slightly in place to brush their lips together more.

Janet wasn't sure what the reason was. Were they simply becoming more reckless? Was it some kind of perverse subliminal desire to get caught? It didn't make sense. Maybe it was boredom. Or frustration. Or maybe it was partly that they were only letting themselves do this when they knew that people were around so that they could not let it get out of hand. Even if they wanted to, they couldn't take it further. Like how Rachel wouldn't come round to hers anymore unless she knew that someone else was going to be in. And did they want to? Janet wasn't sure anymore. She changed her mind with every mood. Certainly, there had been an edge there, ever since that night when Rachel was hammered and they had both recognised a desire far deeper than they had realised before. In themselves and in each other. Janet didn't need to read Rachel's mind to know that their feelings on that one were exactly the same.

But this, whatever the reasons, this was not wise.

'If we start,' she managed to turn her head to avoid Rachel's lips and breathed the words into her ear instead, 'we won't stop.'

On second thoughts, judging by the shiver that went through the dark haired woman leaning over her, maybe that wasn't the most sensible way of halting proceedings. And Rachel's shiver wakened an answering thrill in Janet. _Stop it. Behave yourself. _She held herself very still, knowing already how she would respond if Rachel did give in to temptation.

'Mmmm,' Rachel hummed it against Janet's cheek, just a little bit of revenge for the breath in the ear. But she sat back. Swallowed hard and managed to raise an eyebrow, almost as if she was in control. They smiled at each other, allowing the tension to drain gently away.

A door creaked to a close down the corridor. _The one from the stairs, _Janet identified it automatically. She had been listening to the world come and go around her for a day and a half and she was good at details. Footsteps. Men's. Shoes, not boots.

Andy stuck his head round the door.

The temperature dropped.


	5. Chapter 5

**Another snippet, from the day before the previous chapter – afternoon I think. This episode is proving very inspiring! There's one more section from it to come.**

**I was going to say that there will now definitely be more than five chapters because I had already written several more... but somehow my computer has eaten them. I'm going to try to rewrite them - whenever I finish cursing the universe!**

* * *

"He might as well have locked me up in a bloody tower"

"He's trying to split us up."

.

'Umm...' Rachel waited till she was sure Kevin was gone and then she hesitated as soon as she opened her mouth. She didn't want to actually voice her next thought. _Do you think Andy knows? _She didn't want to suggest that there was anything for anyone to know about, still keeping with their policy of silence. Not that there really was an 'anything'. Policy of denial. But office gossip, coppers were the worst. She shuddered to think what could get put about. People would be sure to misunderstand. Andy, she was sure would misinterpret it, willfully or through his own twisted perception. Kevin would be unbearable. The other lads: stupid questions maybe, knowing they were talking behind their hands at the very least. Gill. Rachel's brain stopped there. She didn't know what Gill would do, or say. A step beyond her imagination. But Janet would really hate all that, worse even than she would.

'No' said Janet, mostly to the hole-puncher. 'He can't. He doesn't. Like I said, he's just trying to get at me.'

'Now who's paranoid?' Rachel bent forward to give her a sly grin. Janet looked up at her through her fringe. Deadpan.

'No, I can see it' Rachel admitted, realising her friend was serious. 'Unfortunately.'

Janet sighed as she picked up another box of paperwork and dumped it on the desk. She was sick of it already. She lifted the topmost file then paused.

Sod Andy.

Thinking he could ruin her day.

'Come 'ere.'

She eyed Rachel firmly and reached across the desk for her.

The kiss was firm and fast. Janet prised Rachel's mouth open with her tongue almost at once. She held her with one hand behind her neck, using the other to brace herself on the desk. A surprised Rachel had to use both her hands to steady herself against Janet's pull. She kissed back furiously, joyfully.

The "naughty teenager" sensation was getting to be overwhelming. Only it was a lot more fun than what Rachel remembered of actually being a teenager, and the snogging was a lot better too.

They broke off after a couple of seconds. The risk of being caught was an added thrill, but a real fear as well. Two sets of eyes glanced to the doorway. Nothing.

Rachel turned back. They were both still leaning together, half bent over the desk between them, breathing hard.

'Why Janet Scott, what has got into you today?' Rachel kept her tone light, feeling somewhat unsteady on her feet, literally and metaphorically.

Janet blinked. She could try to explain, but she wasn't sure she had the words. _I'm not going to let him control me._ And this was surely not the time and place. _I want something in my life that's just for me. _It sent a little hot tingle through her to be flirted with like that, to be seen as a risk-taker, a flirt, even... sexy. _You make me want you to want me._

'I can see right down your top from here,' she observed, instead of a reply. She deliberately dropped her eyes and raised them again, enjoyed the way Rachel swayed ever so slightly.

'But...'

'I should go.' Rachel finished for her, in a voice that broke. 'Get a move on. Pete will be...'

For a moment longer, neither of them moved. Both of them wondering if they could get away with another kiss. Then Rachel groaned theatrically and pushed herself upright.

'See you later mate.' Janet managed to make herself sound almost normal. 'Stay safe.'

'Yeah you too,' Rachel quipped from the doorway. 'Watch out for paper cuts.'

Rachel blinked at her, not quite blowing a kiss, and then she was gone. Janet listened to her footsteps, fast and light. The creak and slam of a door. She looked at the files in front of her and pulled the most hideous face she could muster.


	6. Chapter 6

They were at it again.

Mouths sucking, lips tugging, arms wrapping, hands sliding and grasping. A hand in blonde hair, a bitten lip, fistfuls of fabric, nails catching skin. Janet had Rachel pushed up against the wall of the end toilet cubicle. Her arms behind Rachel's head, pulling her down, her body leaning against Rachel's all the way up. Heavy heat. Janet still had her coat on, Rachel's had been abandoned on the counter outside. Rachel slid her hands inside the heavy blue fabric, around Janet's back, feeling her body heat seep through the soft fabric of her cardi. Feeling her ribs under her fingers, her spine. Rachel pushed off the wall, wrapping Janet tight in her arms, stepping her backwards, kissing closer and closer till Janet's back hit the cubicle door with a crash as the entire flimsy structure shook under their combined body weight. Janet cupped Rachel's face in her hands and spread kisses all over it, cheeks, eyes, forehead, ears, nose, mouth, chin, cheeks again. And then Rachel reclaimed her mouth, sucking and almost biting, licking between kisses and Janet was with her. They were hungry children, gobbling their favourite foods. They were parched in a desert, gulping down long cool draughts of each other. They were small creatures burrowing, burrowing into warm darkness. They were drowning, clinging to the driftwood of the other's body. They were drowning in kisses, gasping, choking for breath. They were drowning in sensation, addicted, craving more with every touch, lick, nip, kiss, catch, stroke, sigh. Fingers grabbing fingers, tangling in hair, lips slick together, pulling and taking and giving, tongues tracing, eyes flickering, clothes shucking. They were falling, melting, burning.

They were at it again.

In the end cubicle of the station toilets. Snogging like teenagers. Better than teenagers.

Like there was literally no tomorrow.

Janet had woken up in a good mood. She had that vague sense that she had dreamed something pleasant without any real memory of what it was. She had glided through the girls' breakfast squabbles and the usual litany of reminders without losing any of her inner calm. She hadn't even had to tell anyone off for swearing. She had left the house in plenty of time and when Rachel phoned, just as she started the car, it felt like a nudge of fate.

Rachel was frustrated. Everything, everything, was falling apart around her. Or leaping up and taking on a life of its own, just when she thought she had it firmly taped down. Sean. Sean was driving her berserk. It was like talking to custard. He just had no idea, it seemed, how normal people talked about serious things. He had no concept of serious for starters. And her mother. No. No way. No going back. But stupid boy – clearly not listening. Rachel had banged her toe on the way to the bathroom, torn the top she had been going to wear, dropped her handbag three times on the way from the door to the car and was near breaking point. Only one thing to do. She phoned Janet.

Everything seemed to be conspiring to bring them together this morning. With some weird synchronicity, they arrived at the station at exactly the same time. Janet's gleeful mood had only increased on seeing Rachel, being all sulky and disaffected. Time was, it would have driven Janet up the wall. But she had learned to see the vulnerability that generated these outer signs. She had come to find them endearing. Rachel's not-so-subtle attempts to catch her attention in the office over the last couple of years had annoyed, then amused, then warmed Janet. So when Rachel pouted at her as she got out of the car this morning, Janet just wanted to hug her.

Rachel was surprised at how handsy Janet was when they met in the car park. She wasn't used to the touchy-feely thing, didn't usually allow it. But it was nice the way Jan had put an arm around her casually. It gave her an odd playground flashback. When walking with your arms round each other signalled to the whole wide world that you were best best friends. The way all the girls had always wanted to walk with Becky whatsername, who would spend half of break picking and choosing her latest. It had never been Rachel. Not with her mucky hair and only half a school uniform, ratty old trainers and a temper that scared even the boys. It gave Rachel a peculiar feeling to be walking into work with Janet's arm around her. She was the office darling after all; everybody loved Jan. And somehow she was Rachel's friend. Best best. Closest person. Look how far she'd come. It did give her a peculiar feeling, even as she kept up her litany of woes. A peculiar feeling that might be some kind of happy.

So here they were, at it again. Janet wasn't sure who had started it this morning. She suspected it was a foregone conclusion from the moment she answered the phone, certainly since they got out of their cars. She tried to quell the little voice that told her she had been hoping for it ever since she woke up. Countered it with the thought that it clearly wasn't just her. A mutual desire, urge, want... things. A tiny dark flame that licked around the edges of their conversation, flared up when her eyes met Rachel's, and really caught light when they snapped the door shut behind them. She couldn't remember who had reached for who first.

Neither of them wanted to stop. Rachel kept trying to take an extra breath, check that she wasn't overpushing it. She kept thinking that any second now Janet was bound to come to her senses, or that maybe she should be the mature one for once and get things back under control. Because she was good at that... not. But she should try. And then Janet would move her hand, or she would respond just a little harder to one of Rachel's kisses and... neither of them wanted to stop.

Janet kept thinking about the time. How long had they been there? They were due in the office. Had they been running early or was someone going to start noticing?

Gill's face flashed across Rachel's mind. What would she say if she came to the loo and heard the two of them, saw them?

Eventually, they wound it down. Each taking a breath between kisses, then slowing hands to smooth and soothe instead of clutch. They still held onto each other, waiting for the world to stop tilting, the rules of normality to reassert themselves. Rachel pecked at Janet's nose. Janet tilted Rachel's chin with her index finger. They smiled, releasing a sigh of laughter together. Rachel slumped back against the tiles, kept hold of Janet's hand.

'You're chipper this morning,' she observed, smirking.

'Well you're... umm... very...' Janet gestured vaguely with her hands. Grinned wryly at herself, not making much sense. 'You looked like you needed chirping up,' she finished.

'I need a wee.' Rachel announced. Time to go.

Janet steeled herself to look at her watch. 'Yeah, we should probably get a move on.' Not too bad, she noticed. They had been in early. So even if that they were later than they usually were, they wouldn't be in any trouble over it.

As long as nobody noticed anything. Nobody started wondering where they had got to between the car park and the MIT office, nobody wanted to know what took them so long in the toilets, nobody made any off-colour jokes that could start her treacherous body blushing, nobody gave them funny looks. Janet felt a chill of anxiety ripple up her. She couldn't cope with any more shit right now. Work was her safe place.

No. That was a lie. She could cope. She had coped with far worse. And one thing on top of another too. She took a deep breath, leaned back for a moment. She didn't want to have to cope with any funny business in work, but she could if she had to, and it was highly unlikely that she would. Janet recognised that she was letting her thoughts get to her. She closed her eyes and let the tension drain out of her again.

When she opened them Rachel was watching her of course.

'You ok Jan?' Concern starting up in her eyes.

Janet nodded. Managed a smile.

'Yeah... yeah.'

Rachel took her hands, lifted them slowly, kissed each one then held them together. She smiled at Janet. Saying things without saying them again.

_It'll be ok. Thank you. Friend. _

Janet huffed another breath, pulled herself firmly together inside and managed a rather better smile.

'Right,' she said, removing her hands to brush her coat down. 'Let's get to work then, shall we?' She pushed herself off the door, unfastened the catch and held it open.

'After you Madam.'

Rachel grinned. 'I'll just be a minute.'

She popped around the corner of the door frame into the next cubicle, then turned and stuck her head back round to Janet.

'Have I ruined your good mood?' she asked, with that point-blank Rachel Bailey bluntness.

'No.' Janet smiled gently. 'No.' Very definitely.

'Cos I could always start moaning again, if you prefer.' Rachel's words were joky, but her eyes were sharp on Janet's face.

Janet felt her good humour bubbling up again. To have someone notice. To have someone care. And Janet could appreciate that it wasn't all about her. Rachel was making an effort to be this thoughtful. She had her own problems and worries, doubtless her own misgivings. And she was still standing there, worrying about Janet first, willing to follow her lead.

Janet leaned forward, swinging on the door frame, made her expression sneaky and lowered her voice conspiratorially,

'Ooh yeah, tell us more about King Knob.'


	7. Chapter 7

**Heading waaay back in time now to Series 1. And reigning the tone in a bit ;)**

* * *

'You owe me.'

'What? I owe you?'

'Yeah.'

'How d'you work that one out then Sherlock?'

Janet's and Rachel's voices carried over the top of the stalls in the station toilets, echoing slightly off the tiled walls as they called back and forth. Janet flushed the toilet as she fired her question so Rachel waited till she had caught up with her at the sinks a few moments later, before answering.

'For this drink. Meeting this Geoff Hastings.' Rachel nodded to give emphasis to her point. Janet gave her the unimpressed face.

'And what about earlier? Me bearding the lion in her den - office. Putting my neck on the line for your crackpot theory. Hey?

'Maybe not so crackpot. Boss is buying it.' Rachel smirked. 'And you're the golden girl for bringing it to her attention.' Rachel's eyes opened wide in mock "realisation moment". 'So that's another one you owe me for!'

'Piss off' Janet grinned at her friend. 'You're soft in the head, you know that?'

'Yeah, well, you still love me, so I must be all right.' Rachel shot Janet a sly look in the mirror as she dried her hands. There had been more of those looks lately, Janet had noticed. She had noticed too, the way their conversations would take a flirtatious turn, every now and then. Just a little at a time, the banter taking on an edge or a warmth. She had started to look forward to it, although she would barely admit that, even to herself.

'Ooh and modest too' mocked Janet. They caught each others' eyes then and shared a chuckle. It was good to let off steam.

'Seriously though,' Rachel leaned back against the sink. She looked across at the row of toilet doors, avoiding Janet's gaze while she collected herself. She had been looking for an opening to say this for a while but kept chickening out. Rachel was used to opening her mouth, not her heart. But Janet deserved more.

'Seriously,' she took a deep breath, 'I owe you so much.' There, got it out.

The worst bit over, she found she wanted to say more, and Janet seemed to be gobsmacked into silence by this sudden change of tone. So she continued, in a rush, before she bottled it.

'These last few months. I've learnt a lot. And, I couldn't have done it without you. I couldn't have coped.' She looked round then, met Janet's eyes again. All of her uncertainty and pain and loneliness and damage and vulnerability and neediness and fear exposed.

'You are THE best mate.' She tried to weigh everything she meant, everything she felt, all those things she couldn't even begin to say out loud, into those few words.

'Rach,' Janet's face was very soft. She cast about for words to reply, but only managed, 'I don't know what to say.' Honest as always.

'I know I can be a bit of a twat sometimes,' Rachel couldn't help but let her eyes flicker to Janet's lips, 'but I am trying.' She shrugged, offering herself. 'You keep me in line. I mean, it's a good thing.'

Janet caught the flicker and felt her pulse skip. _I might not be the best person to keep you in line right now._ The thought flashed across her mind before she could control it. She had tried not to think about their kiss, that night on her sofa. Tried so hard in fact that thoughts of it had started randomly cropping up at unguarded moments, ambushing her. It was always so inappropriate. She didn't need to get hot blushes in the middle of a team briefing, or to be distracted when driving through Manchester city centre at rush hour, or to find memories of Rachel's lips interrupting a row with Ade. It was all too disconcerting. So Janet had made a pact with her subconscious. She would let herself think about the kiss, certain times only, and it would not interfere with the rest of her life. She wasn't going to have it ruining what was probably now the best friendship she had either.

_It's all about control_, she told herself.

'I'm sorry.' Rachel was obviously going all out. But that was her, all or nothing and no stopping her once she got started. Janet noticed Rachel's focus drift around her face and come to rest on her lips again. She felt a warmth, one that was growing familiar, spread through her. Rachel opened her mouth again, groped for the words.

'Don't.' It came out hard. Janet could have bit her tongue. She did bite her mouth shut sharply. She didn't dare hear what Rachel was going to say next. Rachel's face froze. Everything about her froze. Janet knew she had to do something fast, before her friend shut down completely and just walked out.

'Rachel,' she made her voice oh so soft, coaxing the deep dark eyes back to her own, drawing her body round to face her.

Janet touched her hand to Rachel's cheek. She knew what she wanted at that exact moment in time. She knew she didn't want to hurt her friend. She knew she did not want to lose her. She knew she cared for this woman more than almost anyone other than her kids. She knew what she wanted to do, right then. She knew that afterwards was something that she could take care of. It was all about control.

Janet cupped her hand around Rachel's jawline and half drew her, half leaned in, to touch her lips to Rachel's.

Rachel felt her senses heighten. She could feel every minute fissure in Janet's lips, was aware of the loud rustling of their clothing as they moved together, she could almost separate out all the different smells that made up Janet-scent, could almost feel her fingerprints pressing into her skin.

This was not how this scene had gone, in Rachel's planning. In her imagination, she had said her piece, apologised, made her excuses, and Janet had given her a pat on the head and a kick up the arse and everything had carried on as normal. Rachel's head version had been reassuringly mundane. Of course, there was her imaginative version of the other part of this scene, the part they were engaged in at the moment. The part she wasn't supposed to think about... but... well... no one could know, it was just a little harmless fantasy. But she had never worked out in her head how they got to the kissing. Her brain always leapt straight into the middle of it. It just seemed so impossible, to connect it to real life. It still seemed impossible, actually, even as it was happening.

They took it slow this time. Exploring. Neither one wanting to take the lead. Savouring.

They didn't so much break apart as mutually slow to a standstill, still leaning into each other. Breathing each other's breath. Janet felt, rather than saw that Rachel was about to speak and beat her to it.

'Don't,' very soft this time. Very close. Janet's eyes only just far enough away that Rachel could focus on them. She got it now. She could hear the whisper of words behind those eyes, words that Janet clearly didn't want to say out loud.

_Don't_

_Don't say it_

_I don't want to talk about it_

_But it's ok_

Rachel nodded. Closed her eyes. Found Janet kissing her again.

She could live with that.

'We... umm... we had better get going,' Rachel murmured, breaking the kiss after a few more seconds. Or so - she hadn't been counting. But she was eager to demonstrate that she got the point Janet was making, that she agreed to what Janet was asking of her.

Janet noticed and appreciated the effort. She smiled at Rachel, still holding her close.

'Yeah,' she breathed, 'in a minute.'

And she waited, blinking, leaving the invitation open.

Rachel took a moment to work it out, then her face split into a slow grin. _Every good girl deserves... _She touched a hand to Janet's cheek, echoing her friend's earlier gesture, traced a fingertip around Janet's lips. Rachel didn't know if this was ever going to happen again. It was a little scary, actually, to find herself in such an impossible situation. All boundaries shaken, all rules thrown out the window. One arm was around Janet's waist, holding her loosely, comfortably. The smaller woman's head was tilted slightly back to look up at her. Open. Just a little expectant. Really, what with one thing and another, today was turning out to be amazing.

As Rachel lowered her head, Janet let her eyes close. Their lips brushed together gently, then deeper. There was something strangely familiar in this, Janet thought. She wrapped her arms around Rachel's back. It wasn't awkward, or weird or clumsy. She opened her mouth a little more. It was like continuing their conversation. Even the taste of Rachel seemed familiar.

Rachel had forgotten how Janet tasted. Truth be told, that first kiss she hadn't noticed, hadn't had time and was so busy panicking that she hadn't remembered to notice things. She was now though. All her senses working overtime – sight, sound, smell, touch. Taste. It was a heady sensation.

That was the moment she knew she had to stop. _Just a snog between friends. _That was the new boundary. The unspoken agreement.

Janet felt it too. Control. All about control, she reminded herself. They broke away from each other, quickly this time, putting space between their bodies. Like ripping off a plaster. Rachel tweaked at her hair and Janet examined her appearance in the mirror minutely.

'You're right mate,' Janet spoke first. 'We had better get a move on. Andy'll be thinking we got kidnapped or something.'

Rachel's gaze slid across the mirror to meet her eyes. Time to move on. She snapped back into work mode, jumping on the other thing that had made her day.

'So tell me what her Majesty said. What's next?'

Janet grinned. There was something delicious about that question. She finally had a sense that things were moving, gaining momentum. She didn't have all the answers yet, with the case or with her private life, but she had a gut feeling that things were on their way to being resolved. A felt a confidence deep inside herself that when a question arose, or a decision had to made, or something had to be spotted, she would know the right thing to do. It wasn't that she thought she was psychic or something, she knew it was about experience - knowing her job, knowing people. She could recognise patterns without even trying, without having to break it down into logical steps. So that it looked, and sometimes even felt, like a great leap. But there was a deep understanding there, backing it up. What's next? Rachel was still eyeing her – buzzing.

Janet slipped her arm through Rach's and began...


	8. Chapter 8

**It should be pretty obvious whereabouts this is from. This was the first episode I watched and it is possibly still my favourite. Just been re-watching now that I have the DVD and I'm thinking I may have to write another little piece for Janet and Rachel for it. Janet especially just blows me away.**

**Thank you for reviewing and all that! I hope you like.**

* * *

'Jan.'

Rachel stopped dead in the middle of the pavement so suddenly that Janet actually continued on a couple of steps before she noticed.

'Now what?'

Rachel jerked her head sideways at a dark, narrow ginnel running between two houses. Her suggestion was writ large on her wide open features.

'No' said Janet.

'But why?' Rachel looked so utterly bemused that Janet had to bite back a laugh.

'Because you're pissed.'

'So?'

'Because I need to get you home, before you do any more damage.' Sensible Janet. Reliable Janet. Always a good friend to have on a night out. Get you home safe. Absolutely not the sort of person to go wandering down dark alleys. Not the sort of person to be snogging down dark alleys either. And definitely not with a very drunk best friend.

Rachel frowned. 'What did I do?' she demanded, crossing her arms a little clumsily.

'Oh, now let me see,' Janet pretended to give the question serious consideration and Rachel wagged a finger at her. 'Well first you insisted on stopping the taxi on some random street corner so that we could walk the rest of the way, a couple of miles like. Then you twatted a lamppost because it reminded you of... well anyway. Oh and then there was nearly breaking your ankle when you fell off that wall, which I think you were walking along to prove that You are the queen of the castle.'

Janet waited for her friend's response. Rachel frowned again, her brain obviously working very hard to follow the lengthy list of her crimes. Her expression turned to confusion after a couple of seconds as she obviously got muddled. Then her face cleared completely and she gave Janet a beatific smile.

'I didn't' she said, innocence all over. Janet couldn't help but laugh this time. Rachel could be so cute when she was like this. Janet's stomach did a little lurch as she remembered the way Rach had twitted her nose a couple of hours earlier in the pub.

'Pleeeeease' she started now, reminding Janet of a big kid.

'Pleeeease.' Rachel tugged at Janet's hand and made a hideous attempt to bat her eyelashes at her.

'Rachel...' Janet tried again, even as she felt herself being pulled across the pavement to the entrance of the alleyway. Her protests were half-hearted, even to her own ears. It's not like she couldn't have guessed how this evening would end up. It's not like her heart hadn't leapt a dozen times during the night. And she didn't want to be hard on Rach, refuse her comfort. That's what this was about, she told herself again. Comfort. You saw it all the time with coppers. Everyone had to have something. Some little secret, some vice or weakness, some warm body to hold onto. A warm body was the best. Especially one you knew you could trust, one who had been there and been through it all with you, whatever it was. You saw it all the time. So many flings between colleagues. And this wasn't even that, really. Harmless.

Janet found herself pressed back against the brick wall of a building on one side of the ginnel, Rachel in front of her, waiting. She was pissed, but she wasn't out of it. She was waiting for Janet to give her the go-ahead. Janet's heart twisted as she realised this. There was so much between them. Rachel looked pale in the yellow light from the nearby street lamp. The expression on her face was uncertain now, a little bit wanting, a little bit wary, a little bit defensive. Nobody else saw Rachel Bailey like this, Janet was sure. It was special.

She looked Rachel deep in the eyes, and smiled a smile so small and intimate that no one else would have been able to read it.

_Yes._

Slowly, with the measured care of one who is rather the worse for wear, Rachel placed her hands each side of Janet's head against the brick wall. She leaned over her and traced tiny feathery kisses along her hairline, across her forehead, down the side of her face. Surprised, Janet felt her breath hitch with every individual kiss. This was not what she had expected. Rachel took her time, placing each kiss separately, sucking lightly on the skin, breathing her in, tasting. She was careful not to touch her either, holding her body away from Janet. Rachel was breathing hard, Janet noticed. Perhaps the effort of holding herself up, perhaps a rising excitement that was tangible in the air between them. Janet was curious now. She had expected something fiercer, more needy, sloppier even. Not this measured, delicate control. It was startling to find herself reacting so strongly, to realise that as Rachel's kisses reached her neck, Janet was arching herself towards her.

Rachel kissed her way across Janet's collarbone, slower and slower. She rested her forehead against Janet's sternum. Janet's coat collar brushed against her head as she breathed. What now? She could continue kissing her way back up to Janet's face, re-assert some normality. She could stay here, give up control and wait for Janet to choose the next move. She could lift her hands from the wall, pull Janet to her and press herself close enough to melt into her – although, she considered, there was a strong chance she would fall over if she tried that. She could keep going, kiss her way further down, taste new skin, further shadowed intimacies that she could just glimpse every time Janet's chest rose and fell. She could. She was pretty pissed but she still had her wits about her and she could read Janet, knew what she wanted better than she knew her own self. She could and Janet would let her.

Janet closed her eyes, struggling to hold onto some common sense, some semblance of coherent thought. The weight of Rachel's head leaning on her chest was making her breathing shallow. She could feel the heat of Rachel's skin too and Rachel's breath tickling her own skin, hot. The world seemed to have done something strange around them, disappeared or shrunk or just stopped mattering. Janet wondered what Rachel was going to do now, what she would allow her to do.

Rachel took a deep breath. Tried to gather her thoughts. She was shaking. Not just her arms, but her whole body, shaking from the centre out. She breathed in the warm familiar Janet smell, tried to get a grip of herself. She hadn't meant to do this. All she had wanted was a quick snog. She hadn't meant for things to get this intense. And now what? Having got this far, this heated, what did she want to next? Rachel released the breath she had been holding in a long sigh, right down the front of Janet's shirt.

The hot whoosh of air over her skin made Janet gasp. A shot of desire. Shocking. She wanted Rachel now. Wanted her so fiercely and irrationally that she would forget everything else, would stop thinking altogether... wanted her so badly that if Rachel moved one finger Janet realised she would let her shag her right here, against a wall, down an alley, where the streetlights still caught them, in the middle of some residential area she didn't even know. Janet opened her eyes, gasped for breath, struggled to focus. What was she thinking? What was she doing?

They hadn't even kissed yet. The thought dropped into Rachel's clouded mind as whole and round as a pebble. That's what she wanted, a kiss. That was how this had all started. She had wanted a kiss to make her feel better,to make her feel herself again. Before everything got out of hand and slightly scary. Suddenly, she longed to be kissing Janet already, yearned for the familiarity and warmth and safety of Janet's lips on hers. Rachel raised her head abruptly.

Their eyes locked.

_Please. _Rachel couldn't speak.

_Please Jan. _She hoped her eyes were saying it for her, unable to get the words out of her mouth.

Janet took in Rachel's look, her eyes exceptionally huge and dark, her mouth unsteady, her face drained of all colour. And Janet's heart ached for her friend. She couldn't do it. Push her or take anything from her. In this condition. Janet would not, could not, take advantage of her. Sensible Janet may have taken a hike some time ago but Good Friend Janet had luckily stuck around. Her own desperate hot wanting subsided as she took slow breaths, lifted her arms now to hold Rachel close. A kiss. A kiss and then they would go home.

There was a clatter from the darkness of the ginnel. The two women froze, inches still between them. In sync, they turned their heads and stared into blackness. There was a dull sliding sound that ended with a resounding clatter. Rachel grabbed Janet's hand and hauled her away.

Somehow, they made it to the top of the road, staggering and giggling like fools. They stopped on the corner and Rachel clung to her friend, exhaustion hitting her all at once. Janet examined the name of the next street and was relieved to discover that she recognised it, that they were only a couple of streets from Rachel's flat. She smoothed Rachel's hair back with her free hand, the one that wasn't already holding Rachel up. There was a small indentation in the middle of Rach's forehead from where she had leaned against Janet's chest, trapping Janet's necklace between them. Janet thought that she must have a matching one where the pendant had pressed into her. She wondered if they would bruise.

'Come on, let's get you home.'

Rachel took two steps and then stopped again. 'Jan?'

'What?' Janet was wary now.

'Will you tuck me in?


	9. Chapter 9

"I kicked Ade out last night."

Janet had been meaning to keep it quiet, not tell anyone at work. But telling Rachel didn't really feel like telling people. Janet turned away, not wanting to show the tears forming behind her eyes.

...

Rachel was stunned. She had figured something was up with Janet today. But this. This was... She knew Janet and Ade had their problems, that the marriage was not particularly joyous, but it had always seemed so permanent, so set-in-stone.

...

Janet moved towards the car. She wanted to get out of there, get moving, get back to work. Ok, so she wasn't doing too well at not thinking about it so far whilst working, but it was better than standing around feeling sorry for herself.

...

Janet's movement jolted Rachel out of her stupor. She darted forward, reached out a hand. Her mouth opened to say... something, then she realised that she couldn't think of anything to say that wasn't absolutely stupid. _Are you ok? _Well obviously not. She touched Janet's arm anyway, hoping to convey some kind of silent sympathy.

...

Janet froze. She turned on the spot, very stiff. Blinked hard. Brought her eyes round to meet Rachel's.

'Not here.' Her head jerked towards the house they had just visited. The windows were wide and, potentially, watching. The victim's wife did not need to see the detectives who were supposed to be solving her husband's murder falling to pieces in the middle of the street.

...

Rachel nodded. She gave Janet's arm a squeeze and turned it into a gentle push. She moved towards the car herself. Janet was right of course – not here. Trust Jan to be thinking of others, thinking about doing things properly, even when she felt like shit. Rachel glanced over at her as she fastened her seat belt. Janet had the look of a person who desperately needed to decompress. Gone very small and still and tight. Brittle as glass.

...

Janet zoned out again as the engine started and the car pulled away. It wasn't thinking so much as her brain simply playing emotional white noise at her. Though she kept getting faint flickering signals underlying the general sfhsfhshsfshshsshfshh. Like echoes, not thoughts. She didn't even realise she was replaying the details of last night until after she snapped out of it. Which she did, again, when the car stopped. She was going to have to talk now. What was there to say?

Janet looked out of the window, confused. Where the hell where they?

...

When Rachel started the car, she had no clear idea what she was doing, where she was going. She had to get them away from there; not back to the office yet. They were right on the edge of the city, suburbs breaking up into scrappy countryside, there had to be a quiet spot somewhere about. Rachel drove uphill, further out, looking for a good place to pull over. She found it on a stretch of road with a long high fence on one side, and a boring sort of park on one side – nothing much going on at this time of day. As she killed the engine, she was already turning to Janet.

...

Janet felt Rachel's hand on her arm again. She looked up to find Rachel's eyes on her, Rachel's face patient and open, waiting, listening. Concerned. After the night she had just had – comforting Taisie, telling the girls it was not their fault, patiently explaining to her Mum that it had nothing to do with her really, repeating over and over that it was going to be ok; after the last God-knows-how-long of coming home to Ade's miserable disinterest, of everyone wanting, expecting something from her, even Andy... it was so strange to face this quiet acceptance, to have someone care how she felt. Tears pricked at the back of Janet's eyes. She didn't care. She knew she didn't. So why did it hurt? She didn't want to think about it all. Her mouth twitched. The tears came for real.

...

Rachel hated tears. She hated seeing people cry, especially people she cared about. She couldn't cope with it. When it was strangers it often came out as anger or disgust. But when it was someone she was close to it hurt. So when Janet looked at her, eyes welling and cheeks wet, mouth gone all slippery, Rachel ached so much she almost felt sick.

'Eh come here.' She was gentle though. She felt like she couldn't get her arms round Janet fast enough but she forced herself to move slowly. She twisted in her seat so she could put her hands on Janet's shoulders. She held her there for a moment, giving her a chance to pull back if she wanted. But she didn't. So Rachel pulled her in, ever so gently, wrapping her arms around the small frame. It was awkward, the car not designed for this kind of contact, but it worked. Rachel smoothed Janet's hair, rubbed her back. _Please don't cry oh please don't cry please don't_

...

Janet gripped handfuls of Rachel's coat. She had always been a quiet crier and now she barely made a sound. Only the minute shaking of her body and the tears leaking out of her eyes gave her away. She wasn't sure what she was crying about, exactly. Crying for the death of a marriage that had long ago ceased to be something she loved. Crying for her daughters. Tears of guilt. Or just because everything had built up so much and so heavy and so tight that she had to let it out somehow – all that messy, dark, emotional stuff that she didn't know how to put it all into words, choking her. Maybe, maybe all of that stuff, she didn't know.

Janet took a hold of a herself. She breathed deeply. Rachel's smell – sweetish perfume, bitter cigarettes, warm body and cosy wool coat. Very comforting and solid, like Rachel's arms around her. She felt better, Janet realised, even for those few moments of tears. And she felt a lot better for this hug, this holding, even if she was getting a crick in her back by now. Janet took another deep breath of Rachel. _Remember this. _Warmth, safety, caring. Time. _Remember this._

...

Rachel blinked hard when she sensed that Janet was about to move. She didn't want even Janet to realise what a soft idiot she could be when it came to people crying. Didn't want her feeling guilty either – worrying about upsetting other people. She felt Janet place her hands flat against her shoulders and steel herself. Rachel loosened her hold and, when she felt Janet start to draw away from her, she sat back a little herself. She looked away while Janet rooted out a tissue and carefully wiped her eyes. A man was walking his dog, a couple of hundred yards away, too far to notice them and moving away. Rachel refocused on her friend. Janet looked up at her with enough pain and guilt in her eyes to floor a person. Rachel had to work very hard at looking back calmly and openly – not drowning her in sympathy. Just there. Ready to be there, be anything, for her friend. Janet dropped her eyes to the tissue she was now holding. Rachel heard the words she was about to say in the seconds before Janet opened her mouth.

_I'm... _She got in first.

'Don't be sorry.' Janet's head shot up. Rachel gave her a very small smile.

'Don't be.' Janet almost managed a smile back. Rachel felt a new ache in her chest.

She reached over and patted Janet's leg – easier than her arm.

_'You've got nothing to feel sorry about.'_

_..._

'He walked out,' she said slowly, 'and' - with a pause for breath, for strength, 'I told him... not to bother coming back.'

Telling Rachel wasn't like telling people. More like actually admitting it to herself. Nobody else cared in quite the same way as Rachel did, Janet could recognise that. Nobody else was interested in putting Janet first, even for five minutes. Hell, she barely did it herself, so why should they bother? But she appreciated it, more than she knew how to say actually. She took Rachel's hand, squeezed it tight. And she leaned over again, hoping that Rach would get the message, was on the same page. Relief trickled through her when Rachel puckered her lips up and leaned in a bit too so they met in the middle with a short soft kiss. Pulling back, Janet mentally shook herself. Since when did Rachel turn her away? There wasn't anything weird about it, it was what they did – sharing moments of joy and frustration and pain physically like this. Extremes of emotion drew them together. It was never planned, never ever talked about, but they always found each other when one or both of them needed an outlet, a connection, healing. Janet sighed. She was doubting herself at every turn today, didn't seem to have her judgement quite right. She felt Rachel squeezing her hand back. _Thank you._ Janet leaned in again, stretching over the handbrake. She tried to put all her feelings into the kiss – a little firmer this time, a little sweeter. _For seeing me, for knowing me, for letting me be me. _She breathed in that smell again and kissed her one more time, just because. _What would I do without you?_

...

Rachel felt herself relaxing too as they swapped kisses. Rachel's free hand touched Janet's face, her thumb stroking across her cheekbone. Janet had stopped crying. She was going to be ok. A secret little part of her was delighted that Janet had turned to her, trusted her, opened up and looked to her for comfort. It was that bad little part of her that she tried to keep firmly shut away, the little part that had got her into snogging Janet in the first place. She hid it deep inside most of the time, didn't even think about it, because she knew that there was nothing serious behind this kissing thing. But then, she told herself, there didn't have to be. It was pretty great as it was. She loved Janet – as a friend. They were close. That was it.

Her eyes scanned Janet's face as they both sat back in their seats again. Yeah, she was going to be ok. Rachel knew her instincts had been spot on with this one. Janet was already looking a lot better – less tense, less likely to blow away with a breath of wind, more present. It was a good thing all round. Good for Janet in the obvious way, but also good for the job. Janet was good, really good, and they needed that on the case. And with Jan not being on form, people were bound to notice, start asking questions which she would hate. Also, Rachel well knew, when she got round to thinking about it, Janet would beat herself up about not being a robot of professionalism, so the less she had to beat herself up about the better.

Right on cue, Janet spoke. 'We should get back to work.' She sighed, glanced at her watch. 'How long have we been awol?'

Rachel examined her friend more closely. A lot better, but still not right. Bit shaky.

'They'll manage. D'you wanna go and get a coffee?'

Janet paused, bit her lip. Then nodded. 'Mmm' she agreed with a lightening around her eyes that hinted at a smile.


	10. Chapter 10

"I kicked Ade out last night."

Janet had been meaning to keep it quiet, not tell anyone at work. But telling Rachel didn't really feel like telling people. Janet turned away, not wanting to show the tears forming behind her eyes.

Rachel was stunned. She had figured something was up with Janet today. But this. This was... She knew Janet and Ade had their problems, that the marriage was not particularly joyous, but it had always seemed so permanent, so set-in-stone.

Janet moved towards the car. She wanted to get out of there, get moving, get back to work. Ok, so she wasn't doing too well at not thinking about it so far whilst working, but it was better than standing around feeling sorry for herself.

Janet's movement jolted Rachel out of her stupor. She darted forward, reached out a hand. Her mouth opened to say... something, then she realised that she couldn't think of anything to say that wasn't absolutely stupid. _Are you ok? _Well obviously not. She touched Janet's arm anyway, hoping to convey some kind of silent sympathy.

Janet froze. She turned on the spot, very stiff. Blinked hard. Brought her eyes round to meet Rachel's.

'Not here.' Her head jerked towards the house they had just visited. The windows were wide and, potentially, watching. The victim's wife did not need to see the detectives who were supposed to be solving her husband's murder falling to pieces in the middle of the street.

Rachel nodded. She gave Janet's arm a squeeze and turned it into a gentle push. She moved towards the car herself. Janet was right of course – not here. Trust Jan to be thinking of others, thinking about doing things properly, even when she felt like shit. Rachel glanced over at her as she fastened her seat belt. Janet had the look of a person who desperately needed to decompress. Gone very small and still and tight. Brittle as glass.

Janet zoned out again as the engine started and the car pulled away. It wasn't thinking so much as her brain simply playing emotional white noise at her. Though she kept getting faint flickering signals underlying the general sfhsfhshsfshshsshfshh. Like echoes, not thoughts. She didn't even realise she was replaying the details of last night until after she snapped out of it. Which she did, again, when the car stopped. She was going to have to talk now. What was there to say?

Janet looked out of the window, confused. Where the hell where they?

When Rachel started the car, she had no clear idea what she was doing, where she was going. She had to get them away from there; not back to the office yet. They were right on the edge of the city, suburbs breaking up into scrappy countryside, there had to be a quiet spot somewhere about. Rachel drove uphill, further out, looking for a good place to pull over. She found it on a stretch of road with a long high fence on one side, and a boring sort of park on one side – nothing much going on at this time of day. As she killed the engine, she was already turning to Janet.

Janet felt Rachel's hand on her arm again. She looked up to find Rachel's eyes on her, Rachel's face patient and open, waiting, listening. Concerned. After the night she had just had – comforting Taisie, telling the girls it was not their fault, patiently explaining to her Mum that it had nothing to do with her really, repeating over and over that it was going to be ok; after the last God-knows-how-long of coming home to Ade's miserable disinterest, of everyone wanting, expecting something from her, even Andy... it was so strange to face this quiet acceptance, to have someone care how she felt. Tears pricked at the back of Janet's eyes. She didn't care. She knew she didn't. So why did it hurt? She didn't want to think about it all. Her mouth twitched. The tears came for real.

Rachel hated tears. She hated seeing people cry, especially people she cared about. She couldn't cope with it. When it was strangers it often came out as anger or disgust. But when it was someone she was close to it hurt. So when Janet looked at her, eyes welling and cheeks wet, mouth gone all slippery, Rachel ached so much she almost felt sick.

'Eh come here.' She was gentle though. She felt like she couldn't get her arms round Janet fast enough but she forced herself to move slowly. She twisted in her seat so she could put her hands on Janet's shoulders. She held her there for a moment, giving her a chance to pull back if she wanted. But she didn't. So Rachel pulled her in, ever so gently, wrapping her arms around the small frame. It was awkward, the car not designed for this kind of contact, but it worked. Rachel smoothed Janet's hair, rubbed her back. _Please don't cry oh please don't cry please don't_

Janet gripped handfuls of Rachel's coat. She had always been a quiet crier and now she barely made a sound. Only the minute shaking of her body and the tears leaking out of her eyes gave her away. She wasn't sure what she was crying about, exactly. Crying for the death of a marriage that had long ago ceased to be something she loved. Crying for her daughters. Tears of guilt. Or just because everything had built up so much and so heavy and so tight that she had to let it out somehow – all that messy, dark, emotional stuff that she didn't know how to put it all into words, choking her. Maybe, maybe all of that stuff, she didn't know.

Janet took a hold of a herself. She breathed deeply. Rachel's smell – sweetish perfume, bitter cigarettes, warm body and cosy wool coat. Very comforting and solid, like Rachel's arms around her. She felt better, Janet realised, even for those few moments of tears. And she felt a lot better for this hug, this holding, even if she was getting a crick in her back by now. Janet took another deep breath of Rachel. _Remember this. _Warmth, safety, caring. Time. _Remember this._

Rachel blinked hard when she sensed that Janet was about to move. She didn't want even Janet to realise what a soft idiot she could be when it came to people crying. Didn't want her feeling guilty either – worrying about upsetting other people. She felt Janet place her hands flat against her shoulders and steel herself. Rachel loosened her hold and, when she felt Janet start to draw away from her, she sat back a little herself. She looked away while Janet rooted out a tissue and carefully wiped her eyes. A man was walking his dog, a couple of hundred yards away, too far to notice them and moving away. Rachel refocused on her friend. Janet looked up at her with enough pain and guilt in her eyes to floor a person. Rachel had to work very hard at looking back calmly and openly – not drowning her in sympathy. Just there. Ready to be there, be anything, for her friend. Janet dropped her eyes to the tissue she was now holding. Rachel heard the words she was about to say in the seconds before Janet opened her mouth.

_I'm... _She got in first.

'Don't be sorry.' Janet's head shot up. Rachel gave her a very small smile.

'Don't be.' Janet almost managed a smile back. Rachel felt a new ache in her chest.

She reached over and patted Janet's leg – easier than her arm.

_'You've got nothing to feel sorry about.'_

'He walked out,' she said slowly, 'and' - with a pause for breath, for strength, 'I told him... not to bother coming back.'

Telling Rachel wasn't like telling people. More like actually admitting it to herself. Nobody else cared in quite the same way as Rachel did, Janet could recognise that. Nobody else was interested in putting Janet first, even for five minutes. Hell, she barely did it herself, so why should they bother? But she appreciated it, more than she knew how to say actually. She took Rachel's hand, squeezed it tight. And she leaned over again, hoping that Rach would get the message, was on the same page. Relief trickled through her when Rachel puckered her lips up and leaned in a bit too so they met in the middle with a short soft kiss. Pulling back, Janet mentally shook herself. Since when did Rachel turn her away? There wasn't anything weird about it, it was what they did – sharing moments of joy and frustration and pain physically like this. Extremes of emotion drew them together. It was never planned, never ever talked about, but they always found each other when one or both of them needed an outlet, a connection, healing. Janet sighed. She was doubting herself at every turn today, didn't seem to have her judgement quite right. She felt Rachel squeezing her hand back. _Thank you._ Janet leaned in again, stretching over the handbrake. She tried to put all her feelings into the kiss – a little firmer this time, a little sweeter. _For seeing me, for knowing me, for letting me be me. _She breathed in that smell again and kissed her one more time, just because. _What would I do without you?_

Rachel felt herself relaxing too as they swapped kisses. Rachel's free hand touched Janet's face, her thumb stroking across her cheekbone. Janet had stopped crying. She was going to be ok. A secret little part of her was delighted that Janet had turned to her, trusted her, opened up and looked to her for comfort. It was that bad little part of her that she tried to keep firmly shut away, the little part that had got her into snogging Janet in the first place. She hid it deep inside most of the time, didn't even think about it, because she knew that there was nothing serious behind this kissing thing. But then, she told herself, there didn't have to be. It was pretty great as it was. She loved Janet – as a friend. They were close. That was it.

Her eyes scanned Janet's face as they both sat back in their seats again. Yeah, she was going to be ok. Rachel knew her instincts had been spot on with this one. Janet was already looking a lot better – less tense, less likely to blow away with a breath of wind, more present. It was a good thing all round. Good for Janet in the obvious way, but also good for the job. Janet was good, really good, and they needed that on the case. And with Jan not being on form, people were bound to notice, start asking questions which she would hate. Also, Rachel well knew, when she got round to thinking about it, Janet would beat herself up about not being a robot of professionalism, so the less she had to beat herself up about the better.

Right on cue, Janet spoke. 'We should get back to work.' She sighed, glanced at her watch. 'How long have we been awol?'

Rachel examined her friend more closely. A lot better, but still not right. Bit shaky.

'They'll manage. D'you wanna go and get a coffee?'

Janet paused, bit her lip. Then nodded. 'Mmm' she agreed with a lightening around her eyes that hinted at a smile.


	11. Chapter 11

Well in a story that is more or less entirely romantic nonsense, this is particularly fluffy, but I've been writing the next chapter all week and it's got very angsty so I wrote this to cheer me up.

'I was hoping you'd come,' Rachel murmured when Janet let her catch her breath for a second. Janet Scott smirked, cocked one eyebrow and kissed her friend again, smooth and silky. Rachel thought she might melt.

'If that's what I get for being clever, I might have to start swotting up in the evenings,' she gasped when Janet's kisses started to wander.

'I thought I was the clever one,' Janet muttered against Rachel's throat, sending delightful little shivers through the dark haired woman.

'Mmm?' It was the most cogent response she could manage. Janet's smirk spread a little wider and she licked at Rachel's skin, emboldened by her success thus far.

'I figured out your little code,' Janet whispered. 'Very subtle, by the way.'

Rachel didn't think she had ever been called subtle in her life before but she decided right then and there that if it meant Janet would purr that word into her ear again she would be subtle every day of her life. 'Yeah?' was all she managed to gasp.

'Uh huh.' Janet was clearly the one in control. 'You should try it more often.'

Oh, thought Rachel, I wish. There was, perhaps, something deeply wrong about this, but she was past caring. She slipped one hand beneath Janet's chin and brought her head up so that she could kiss her again. They were so used to each other by now, so comfortable but still so excited by each other. They fitted together perfectly, arms and bodies and mouths, well practised.

Rachel had felt the adrenaline kick in during that conversation with Gill when she had started to figure out the intricacies of the Susie Bishop case. She had felt it growing with every step in which she unpicked the logic of the ex-husband's deceit. By the time she had worked her way to the end of it, successfully, in front of the boss, she had known in her gut that she was right. Gill's nod had only confirmed it and set the light to her excitation. And Janet was right there, sharing it with her, every step. In fact, she had been right there all week, looking gorgeous, making eye contact, swapping little glances, and by now Rachel was just itching to touch her. The break-through just set the tin hat on it. She had to get hold of her, fast. Gill had dismissed them, sending people out to chase up CCTV and instructing Rachel and Janet to do interview prep. Rachel had grabbed her coat and made a show of sticking a cigarette in her mouth – some code – hoping that Janet would follow her outside but too keyed up to dare look at her or ask her outright. She was so desperate for a snog by that point she was sure the desire was written all over her and the last thing she wanted was bloody Andy noticing anything going on. So she had gone out the front of the building, deliberately putting herself on view. She must be getting paranoid. And she had paced up and down, working nearer and nearer to the side alley with each length, until at last she had turned the corner and nearly collapsed with relief to see Janet leaning against the side door. Rachel had walked straight into her arms without a word, ditching the fag en route, and since then she had been at Janet's mercy.

Janet was making a point of enjoying the moment. She had known it was coming, well something like this anyway, for the last three days. There had been a tension between them, a good kind of tension, and that heightened awareness that Janet always felt before she and Rachel really got involved like this. She had felt Rachel's eyes on her skin, had sensed Rachel's presence fractionally closer to her than usual, known that her own gestures and looks were just a little more open, just a little suggestive. Janet had half expected it to happen last night after they finished work but she had been too thrown by her exchange with Andy. She had deliberately not even looked for Rach in the car park after that, uncomfortably aware that there might be another set of eyes on her, on them. It had turned out well though. It was nice to be celebrating, kissing happily instead of stressed or upset. And it was a fitting follow-through from their connected thinking on the case. Only logical, Janet thought, running her hands all over Rachel's back, inside her coat. It was nice to just enjoy themselves.

Rachel breathed into Janet's arms, filling her lungs so that they pushed out against her hands, palms spreading warmth, fingers digging into her ribs. Oh this made her feel good. She could feel tension seeping out of her and the joy bubbling up. It had been there anyway from the moment she had sensed a loose end in the case and had started to unravel it. Since they had started to unravel it – together. That joy kept swelling with every movement, every kiss. Rachel pulled Janet tight against her, trying to contain it, channel it, pour it into their exchange. A little part of her felt bad, or to be more accurate, it would feel bad later she knew – she was too wrapped up at the moment to honestly feel anything else but she was aware that she ought to feel bad about it and that those feelings would get her later. Those awkward feelings that she ought to be getting this kind of thing from her relationship with Sean, that she ought to feel guilty, that she wasn't being fair to him. Rachel did like Sean, he was fun and strangely reliable and caring in his own funny way, and she trusted him more than most people, which was saying something for her. But it wasn't enough. It was Janet who had told her, not two days ago, that she should focus on Sean but there was so much of her that Sean didn't get, didn't have a clue about. Nobody connected in quite the same way as Janet.


	12. Chapter 12

**This chapter is all based around text messages. (Because, you know, having a whole episode without Janet was just inconceivable – even if the real episode was brilliant – so I had to work Janet in somehow. It was supposed to be short but it ran away with me. There may be another section that takes up the rest of the episode. I've written some of it but the amount of angst keeps depressing me and I get sidetracked. I'm going on holiday today so updates will probably be a bit scarce.**

**Thank you for the reviews! It's nice to know people are reading it. :)**

* * *

**Series 2 – episode 3.**

Janet checked her phone automatically as she came out of the school with Elise. With her job, you never knew when there would be an important call. It had been hard enough switching it to silent for half an hour during the meeting with Elise's form teacher. Janet had thought it wise to make an effort though, she knew Elise would kill her for embarrassing her in front of her teachers. Luckily, it had all gone well, fast. Elise was the brainy one after all, well on track with her coursework and Janet was glad to see that she didn't even seem that stressed about it all. The screen of her phone lit up with a missed call from Andy's personal mobile, and a text message. She ignored the call and hit the buttons to read the message. _Please don't be him_. She just couldn't be bothered. The screen changed. Rachel.

**Been kidnapped by Godzilla. Goin to be away for a couple of days x**

Janet read the text twice before she even half understood what it meant. Rachel off with Gill somewhere – work obviously, but what? It was all very sudden, very hush-hush. For a fleeting moment she entertained the thought that it could be something else, something personal but she dismissed it at once. Gill wasn't like that, even if Rachel was. Janet and Gill had been friends for nearly twenty years now and she knew Gill wasn't that good at keeping secrets. Although, Gill probably would have said the same about her and Janet could think of several secrets she was keeping from Gill right at that moment. You thought you knew someone but, of course, you could never see inside their head. Still, Janet reckoned she was pretty hot stuff when it came to reading other people and she had never picked up that Gill was interested in Rachel personally. Professionally, now that was another matter. Gill was all over Rachel. _In good ways and bad_, Janet mused. Rachel used to only see the bad – the bollockings, calling to heel over matters of procedure and attitude, the hard-to-impress bitch of a boss act. More recently, Janet thought Rachel had begun to appreciate Gill's interest in her. She owed her a hell of a lot, after all. It had been high time she woke up to what a lucky girl she was. But the two of them away somewhere, for a couple of days, this was different. Janet wondered how they would get on, if they would manage to stick it out without killing each other. Must be a pretty important case too, to drag Gill away from her syndicate and require her to take another officer. It would certainly be interesting to follow developments. Janet hit the reply button on her phone.

...

Rachel heard her phone buzz against the bedside table. She had been staring at the ceiling for ten minutes, at least. Nothing to see but the dim images swirling round her brain. She rolled over. She wasn't sure who she most wanted the message to be from.

Dom – letting her know he was ok, hopefully. His silence was worrying her.

Alison – might have some news on Dom.

Janet – would be sure to make her feel better.

She wished Janet was here, close by and part of the investigation. Rachel knew she was doing fine. She knew she could stand on her own feet with genuine confidence these days rather than her previous brash arrogance. But still... She missed Janet's calm presence and logical approach, her intuition. Rachel knew in her gut that Janet was still better at reading people than her. For now. She picked up the phone and looked at the blank, dark screen. Could be bad news.

Dom – could have been up to anything.

Alison – letting her know about Dom, if something had happened, but she would phone if it was that bad, surely.

Janet. Most likely be Janet. Rachel hit the buttons and watched the message light up. She smiled. Jan.

**Ooh sounds exciting. Wheres she whisked u away to? Elise says hi x**

Rachel had a rush of longing for her friend's presence. Her smile, her voice, her comforting smell, the atmosphere she brought with her into a room. _Get a grip_. She was going soft in her old age, clearly. It was quite disturbing, actually, the way she was missing her. She had only been away a couple of hours. It was just... knowing she was going to be away for days, or maybe it was because she was upset about Dom anyway, or the strange room. Rachel didn't much like hotels. Ones like this rather reminded her Nick's flat. Smart. Soulless. Just the sort of aesthetic she used to aspire towards. Until she got it. And everything went tits up. She still felt a shudder of revulsion spreading through her when she thought about him. Rachel turned her attention back to her phone, fingers flying as she tried to compose a message that might make Janet smile. She pictured the arch of her light eyebrows, the way her forehead wrinkled, then the way her cheekbones lifted as her lips stretched, and the way her eyes would light up at the very last moment so you knew she meant it. Thinking about that would keep Rachel's mind off the bad stuff.

...

Janet didn't get the next text till a while after she got home. She hadn't heard the phone buzz in her bag when she was driving, not with Elise turning the radio up full blast when that Florence song came on. And when she got in she had to sort out Taisie who had worked herself into a strop about some geography homework she had. Taisie, being Taisie, managed to turn it into a row about her and Ade splitting up before they were done. Janet ended up having to cuddle her through a stormy fit of tears. She eventually left her with her Gran helping her do the wretched homework and headed for a glass of wine. She worried about Taisie with her strong emotions and tempestuousness. She put up such a front most of the time but she was so easily hurt. Janet poured herself a glass of red, hunted out her phone and sat down at the kitchen table with a sigh. Another missed call from Andy. She was going to have to speak to him sometime. She would have to marshal all her arguments before she did that though, go in with a clear plan. Not tonight.

Another text from Rachel.

**Dirty weekend obviously. She's finally fallen for my charms. Cambridge tonight then Bristol. Bet you're jealous! What you up to tonight? Hi to E and T xxx**

Janet smiled. Little brat. How could she read her mind from a hundred miles away or more? Rachel could be a wind-up. Janet cradled the phone in her hand while she took another sip of wine and debated what to text back – whether to be good and proper and boring, or whether to try to play Rachel at her own game. She savoured her mouthful while she thought. What could she say to shock Rach a bit, or make her giggle? She would have to pass that message on to the girls as well, that would make their nights. Actually, she decided, it was worth doing that sooner rather than later. It would cheer Taisie up no end. She would have to remember to tell them that Rachel sent them a kiss each too. This sort of thing mattered greatly in the world of texting and what-not, so Janet was informed. She scooped up her glass and headed up the stairs to see her girls, leaving the phone firmly behind. She would have to think of something good to text Rachel back later.

It was only when she was lying in bed that she remembered the text. That awkward time when she knew she ought to be asleep but her brain was still buzzing. Janet reached for her phone beside the bed and re-read Rachel's text, lighting up her room a dim blue. She chuckled. Rach could always be relied on to give her something to smile about – if she wasn't driving her berserk, being rude, stroppy and obnoxious or destroying something, of course. Janet smiled again. Or sometimes even when she was being all those things. She was glad really, to have something to think about, lying here waiting to sleep – something amusing rather than stressful. The bed still felt strange, having it all to herself, even if she did sleep better lately without Ade's snoring. Janet's fingers punched the buttons slowly. When she had finished, she rolled onto her back and stretched out, letting her mind wander.

...

Janet's text woke Rachel up.

**Watch out she'll throw u back at first light! U will have to come crawling back to me. U made girls night. Just off to sleep night night x**

She read it through bleary eyes, smiled crookedly at the screen and curled up again clutching the phone. She melted back into sleep again with Janet on her mind.

In the morning, Rachel woke with a jump as her alarm blared and buzzed in her hand. She thought about texting Jan back immediately but didn't want to seem like a sad twat, and in no time at all she was stuffing the last of her clothes in her bag as Gill rapped on the door. The sight of her boss put all thoughts of jokey texts out of Rachel's head and she was soon totally focused on running over her interview prep. Her breakfast suffered in the process, not that she cared. She did find a moment to check her phone for any calls from Dom when Gill went to the loo. Nothing. The little sinking in her heart. Setting off old echoes. She had sworn she would never do this again. But... But. He was her brother. Rachel sniffed and deliberately turned her mind to other matters. That was when she remembered Janet. Watching Gill returning through the room to their table reminded her of the obviously perfect retort. Her fingers worked furiously, trying to get the message done before she caught the boss's attention. She almost choked on a suppressed laugh at one bit of it. Too much? She paused, looked at Gill out of the corner of her eye. Sod it. It was only a laugh. She just wished she could see Jan's face.

Ten hours later, Rachel chucked her fag end, hung up the phone on Dom, wiped the tears from her face and headed back into North Avon police station. A tight thread of worry was unwinding itself from around her heart as she walked. Dom was ok. He didn't sound great, she wasn't fooled, but he was alive and not lost and, well... ok. There was still an underlying ache of concern, deep in her gut, but the immediate worry was loosening. Rachel sidetracked into the ladies on her way back to the command room. She frowned at her reflection and splashed some cold water on her face. Not good. What she wanted, of course, was for Janet to walk in. Have a moan, have a whinge, get laughed at or told to get her arse in gear. She didn't want to explain, even to Jan. It was family – she just didn't talk about them, an ingrained attitude from childhood. Janet would get that though, would offer sympathy even without knowing the details. And just to feel her physical presence. A touch, a hug, a kiss. Maybe. Rachel looked at her phone. She could call Jan, but she really ought to be getting back to work. She was on her best behaviour on this trip, on top form, and the case was hotting up, she could feel it. Gill was onto something and Rachel didn't want to miss out. Better get back – she grabbed the phone. Her fingers flew over the keys as she headed out the door. Not too soppy, it could be taken in the same jokey tone as her last few, but it was perfectly honest. Just time to finish the text on her way up the stairs.

...

**Sun's up and she still wants me. Must be love. You will just have to live without me for a day or two. Try to not to pine away before I get back and don't let Kevin break any cases x**

The first text arrived as Janet was walking into the office. She was comfortably early and Rachel's words made her chuckle. Daft bat that she was. The idea of Gill being in love with Rachel tickled her. The pair of them would kill each other within a week. Unfortunately, being comfortably early this morning meant that Andy was the only other person in. Janet had forgotten that Gill being away for a couple of days meant that Gill wasn't going to be haunting her office already at this time of the morning. Which left Andy and herself alone. Bugger. She had been trying to avoid this.

'Morning.' She made herself sound as breezy as possible. 'Do you want a brew?' Janet headed for the fridge, praying that there wouldn't be any milk or something. Andy followed her, looking serious.

'Janet' he began as she opened the fridge door. There was a full carton of milk. Typical. Just when you didn't want any. She had to head Andy off before he got too deep and meaningful.

'It'll be strange without those two here, won't it? I just had a text from Rach. They seem to be getting on ok.' Janet knew she was babbling, in danger of sounding like a demented housewife. It wasn't dignified. She shut her mouth firmly. Andy didn't answer her so she turned her back on him and busied herself with mugs and that.

'Janet. Can I talk to you?' His voice was soft. She went still. She didn't want to hurt him.

'Yes.' She turned to face him, her face quietly determined. 'But not at work, Andy.' Her eyes softened slightly as she looked at him. He clearly hadn't slept too well.

'Where then? When?'

Janet opened her mouth. They were going to have to get this sorted. And that was the moment that Kevin walked in, his mouth stuffed with bacon butty, waving jauntily at them. Andy sloped away. Janet smiled at the new arrival.

'Morning Kev. Rachel says to watch yourself.' Kevin swallowed an impossibly large lump of food and looked around in puzzlement.

'Where's she at anyway?' Oh Kevin, Janet thought. _Always the last to know_.

It was a busy day and a strange one. Everyone felt the Boss's absence at the helm. Gill wasn't constantly on their backs but her presence on a case could always be felt, even when she was out of the office or shut away doing paperwork. The team knew they could rely on her meticulousness, look to her for inspiration, trust in her guidance. Andy ran everything correctly and oversaw them all efficiently but it wasn't the same. And Janet missed Rachel. She missed her in interviews, asking pertinent questions. She missed discussing the case with her, seeing her mentally stretching for a conclusion just out of reach - whether it was sheer genius or just plain barmy. She missed her in the office, swapping sarky comments, joking with the lads, nibbling at something. And by nine o'clock that night, she missed her physical presence desperately. God she wanted someone to hold onto. The case wasn't particularly startling – no difficulties working out whodunnit. There was a mountain of evidence against the fella. But it was taxing, trawling through all that evidence to make sure they could prove their case, and be sure of it. Interviewing the suspect and several witnesses so as to draw every last drop of information out of them had left Janet surprisingly drained. She was the last one out of the office, having stayed behind to write up her reports. She was glad of the peace and isolation after a day of being hyper-aware of other people, observing every last nuance of words and tone and body language, and hyper-aware of how she presented herself. The silence of the empty room soothed her. By the time she dropped her pen and shut her papers away Janet was feeling more human. She wouldn't have even minded going for a drink, but only with either Rachel or Gill, so that was a non-starter. She had better just get home, really. Nothing much else to do. Janet stared at the empty chair at the desk opposite her. Where was Rach when you needed someone to get pissed with? Bristol. Probably locked up in an incident room still working like mad. A little lonely feeling crept up in Janet's chest. It was only then that she thought to check her phone. She'd forgotten all about it, coming straight out of interviewing. She wasn't really expecting anything, not having texted Rachel back earlier, but you never knew. Anticipation kicked loneliness for the minute it took her to find the thing. 1 message received.

**Wish you were here x **

The lonely kicked back. _Oh Rachel_. There was something up. Sure, it sounded like a joke, the sort of line you wrote on cheesy postcards, after all, but Janet knew her Rachel. She could feel the sincerity behind the wording. Janet stared at her phone until the screen went dark. Perhaps it was just the lack of an exclamation mark that made it seem more serious. It might not have been done on purpose. She could be reading too much into it. But her instincts told her different. She felt a tiny warmth as well, as she hit a random button to make the screen light up again, re-read the four words and a kiss. It was always nice to be wanted. Nice to know that she wasn't the only one missing her best mate. Janet picked herself up and slipped on her coat, animated now. She would give Rachel a ring when she got in the car. Save worrying about being overheard.

Rachel didn't answer. Janet wasn't totally surprised. It was still early, in their world anyway. If the case was hot they could be working till eleven or twelve, easy. Janet cradled the phone, acknowledging the small sadness that had settled in her chest. She would text Rach, she decided. Hope for a phonecall later. It would be nice to hear her voice.

She drove home, wondering what was the reason behind Rachel's message earlier? She couldn't have fallen out with Gill, could she? It seemed unlikely. Maybe it was something to do with the case. Some cases got to you like that. And sometimes there was an obvious reason, but sometimes it took you by surprise. Janet hoped that Rachel hadn't managed to upset anyone from the force that she and Gill were visiting. Rachel might be her best friend, but Janet would be the first one to point out her faults and she knew that she could be hard to work with. She had improved mind you. Janet was actually very proud of Rachel's development over the last couple of years. But if she got an idea into her head, she could still go after it with that bloody-minded single-mindedness – terrier chasing a rat. And she didn't care who she savaged in the process. Still... Rachel had learned some tact and diplomacy in the last while, a little anyway, so hopefully it wasn't that. Janet knew there was no point worrying over it, but she probably would all the same. There were times when it was easier to be honest with herself and whilst driving was one of those times. She was neither here nor there, not Mum or DC, existing in her own private bubble. These were times when she often thought about Rachel, dreamed a little. The motion of the car made more things seem possible. Sometimes she imagined talking to Rach about their closeness, what they did. She wondered where that would take them, let her imagination throw up surprising possibilities. When she stopped, when she arrived somewhere, the dreams always came screeching to a halt. She could never do that. Only in her car, or occasionally lying awake late at night, could she even imagine doing that or believe that any of the other things could happen. They were dreams, intriguing little fantasies. Tonight, as the car practically drove itself through the half-empty roads of Oldham, Janet found her mind unwinding along the familiar dream road. If Rachel called her later, if she said how much she missed her, if Rachel opened up, if she told her she wished she was with her too, if Rachel said something, and she said she wished she could hold her, if Rach...

Janet's phone rang at the very moment she pulled up outside her house.

_She's reading my mind again._

Janet was still so shut up in her bubble that it could only be Rachel calling her. She hit the answer button even as she was lifting her mobile and didn't even look at the screen.

'Hi,' her voice was gentle. She felt her stomach do a peculiar somersault when Andy's voice said hello at the other end. His tone was gentle too and he was so obviously pleased to hear her. Guilt twisted her stomach further. The bubble was burst. She was being ridiculous, dolly-daydreaming about Rachel anyway. She wasn't supposed to do that.

'Hello' she replied to Andy, feeling a bit silly but playing for time, waiting for the normal world to reassert itself. It brought with it the little bit of loneliness that had been bothering her earlier.

'Do you want to go for a drink?' Andy sounded hesitant, not pushy at all. He was there. He cared about her. She did owe him an explanation. He was sweet and attractive and patient and calling her now and male and not her best friend and S_hut up brain! _and she only had to go talk to him, have a drink.

'Yeah,' she said at last. 'A drink would be nice.'

* * *

**Ok – just my take on the Janet/Andy débâcle, but has anyone else noticed that it's always when Rachel is away that she turns to him...? ;)**


	13. Chapter 13

**Thought I really should get round to finishing off this part. Gill insisted she get a role too, seeing as I hijacked 'her' episode!**

* * *

Late, very late, that night, Rachel sat on the edge of the bed in her hotel room. She held her phone between her hands and stared at it. She was tired. She was knackered in fact. She had been on the go for something over sixteen hours by this point and she had spent about six of them looking through dozens of case files, comparing scores of photographs. Every time she blinked, an after-image of a murdered woman burned the inside of her eyelids. She had lost track of the specifics by now, they were just an outline – limbs twisted, hair splayed, skin split or marked, ligatures, clothing, eyes, jewellery, distinguishing features... they all blurred together. She was happy. Well, she was pleased. They had made a connection. This was a good thing. She had recognised something. The boss had agreed with her. That was good. They were going to put it to the SIO in the morning. _Suggest it_, Gill had said. Rachel huffed a short breath of dry amusement. _Advise... suggest... _yeah, right. She wondered how Gill would react if someone refused to take her advice. On the whole, she wasn't sure she wanted to be around to see it. They'd probably see the fallout back Manchester.

Manchester. Janet. Text. Rachel's brain moved slugglishly. She blinked and focused her eyes on her mobile again. The screen had gone dark ages ago. She had been reading Janet's text. That's what she'd been doing. Right. She hit a random button.

**Wish I was too. Whats up? Call me xox**

Jan. Rachel wished she could call her. She wished she could tell her about the case. She wished she could tell her about Dom. She wished she could hear Janet telling her something, some good sound advice in that calm, understanding voice. She wished she could hear her say anything. Rachel sighed deeply and let her hands drop to her sides. What she really wished to hear was barely even credible, barely even imaginable. She wished that she had the guts to pick up the phone and say _I love you I miss you _and see what happened. But it was two o'clock, gone two o'clock in the morning. Janet would be asleep. Sensible Jan. And Rachel knew her judgement definitely wasn't right at this time of night, even if she was stone cold sober. So she wasn't going to wake her friend up to drivel at her. Besides, Rachel thought as she put the phone down carefully on the bedside cabinet, she really wasn't sure she had the energy to talk at all and she couldn't exactly ring Jan up and just breathe down the phone at her. She collapsed backward onto the mattress, still dressed. Oh that felt good. Her eyes closed. Images flickered. She swallowed. _Let them go. _Dimly, she reminded herself to kick off her shoes. Her alarm was set. She could switch off. If she could phone Janet and just breathe at her, and Janet would just breathe down the phone at her... that would be nice. Soothing. Well, it sounded weird, put like that. But if she could just hear Janet breathing, next to her like. The images slowed. In. Out.

Rachel tried to remember how it felt against her skin. In.

The faces dimmed. Out.

Remember her smell – safe.

In.

Darkness stilled.

Out.

...

When Janet pulled up outside her house for the second time that night, it was late, later than she had been out in a long time. She felt slightly sick. Just tired, she told herself, and ignored the voice in the back of her head which told her that she had done wrong and knew it. After all, she was a free woman, she and Ade had split up. So she had slept with Andy again. So what? It wasn't hurting anybody. She had been wrong the first time, yes, but her fling wasn't the reason her marriage had broken down. Yes, she had lied to her mother tonight but if, at forty-six, she couldn't lie to her mother once in a while without feeling guilty about it, then she was a pretty sad case. But Janet did feel guilty. She wasn't sure she had done the right thing this evening. She wasn't even quite sure how it had all happened. She had answered her phone, gone round to Andy's for a drink, talked about work, kissed him goodbye and ended up in his bed. It had all seemed so logical at the time. But it wasn't what she had had planned. Janet shook her head. Well it had happened, it was her decision somehow, and she would have to live with it. She checked her phone before she opened the car door. Nothing. No texts, no missed calls. She bit her lip. She had been sure there would be something from Rachel. Guilt curled a little tighter round her gut and Janet ignored it pointedly. If Rach couldn't be bothered... But then, what if there was something wrong? _Don't be a fool_.

The phone beeped as she was about to put her key in the front door. Janet jumped. She was surprised to see that the message was from Gill.

**Just finished, hope this doesn't wake you. Youve done a good job with rachel but don't tell her i said so! She seems a bit off tho, can you give her a ring in morning ? She wont talk to me. See you soon cock. Gx**

Janet closed the door gently behind her and stood in the hall. She should have phoned Rachel. She should have tried again earlier. For a second, she was hit by the memory of Rachel calling her in tears, about a year ago now, when she was standing right here by the radiator. It was the strangeness of hearing Rachel cry that had struck her so forcibly at the time. And she had known then – all she had wanted to do was go to her, to make it better, to be there for her. And now, her first reaction was to call Rach. If Gill was only texting her now then Rachel was probably only finishing too, she was probably still up, would pick up the phone and Janet could talk to her, find out what was wrong. Janet's thumb hovered over the call button. Rachel could be sleeping. It was so late. Gill had probably worked later than her DC, after all. And whatever the situation, Rachel must have had a long hard day. She would need to sleep. She was probably in no state to talk about stuff. Was Janet mainly calling her now to assuage her own guilt? Was she really in a fit state to be any use to Rach? Janet sighed and put the phone in her pocket. Better to leave it till the morning. Better to have a shower and try to wash away all the guilt and sadness and disappointment with herself, along with the smell and feel of Andy. Janet rested her fingers on the radiator. The memory-sound of Rachel's choked off sob and her own rush of feeling washed over her again. She had heard Rachel cry before that, and seen it since, but that one time in particular stuck with her for the way she had reacted: the longing to comfort and protect and hug and hush and soothe and stroke that had surged up in her without warning. She had turned almost into the wall to try to hide it, although she couldn't remember anyone else being in the hall at the time. She'd probably been trying to hide it from herself. She had known then and she knew now but she was still scared. She, Janet Scott, was a wimp.

However, Janet told herself, suddenly waking up to the fact that she was standing at the bottom of her stairs, staring into space, she couldn't stay here all night. She was tired, shattered actually. That was why she was thinking like this – letting herself think like this. In the morning, she would be able to sort her feelings into their proper boxes, deal with Rachel, face up to Andy, accept her own failings, move on. Everything would be so much easier to deal with... in the morning.

...

Rachel woke with a feeling of purpose. She shot out of bed on her alarm and straight into the business of getting ready for the day. It was while she was brushing her teeth that the thought actually hit – the one she knew had been lurking in the back of her head. She phoned Gill, too eager even to wait till their arranged meeting time in the lobby.

'Rachel, what?'

'Why did he drag them?' Rachel bowled straight in. 'Ok we know he dragged them by their arms, we made that connection last night, but why?' Rachel paused, expectant, waiting to see if her boss would get it, or if she would shoot her down.

'Because,' she could almost hear Gill's brain working, that little click when she reached the same conclusion that Rachel had. 'They were already dead. He killed them somewhere else. Which is not Leach. And, _and_ we can confirm that – I'll get on to the pathologist - and we need to check that against our shortlist when we get in. Well done kid. Is that all?'

'Err... yeah.' Rachel was nearly floored by the ready praise.

'See you downstairs in five then.' Gill hung up. Rachel flopped down on the bed with a silly grin on her face. It still gave her a kick to get a pat on the back from the boss. She shook her head sheepishly at herself then grinned again – there was nobody here to see her. Janet, she thought and reached for her phone only to realise that it was ringing. Rachel's grin spread even wider when she realised who was calling.

'British Psychics Society, how can I help you?'

'Good morning?' Janet sounded somewhat bewildered.

'I was just about to text you,' Rachel explained. 'How's life without me?'

'Um fine. How are you?' Janet had her careful voice on but that might just be because she was at work or something, Rachel thought.

'Good. Sorry I didn't call last night. I was knackered. We were really late finishing.'

'Yeah Gill texted me at some obscene hour' Janet said without thinking.

'Godzilla? Late night texts? I thought I'd kept her busy enough,' Rachel joked, 'obviously need to try harder.' She was curious though. She hadn't thought of Gill texting Janet too, kept forgetting what close friends they were. Rachel stomped hard on the little bite of jealousy that always accompanied that thought.

Janet picked up on her jokey tone in her response. 'She was asking me for tips on how to shut you up.'

'Oh yeah?'

'I told her she might as well give up now. It's a lost cause.'

'Thanks mate.' Rachel tried to sound indignant but her smile shone through her tone of voice. She could hear Janet chuckling at the other end of the phone. The familiar sound sent a warm feeling straight into her chest.

'Where are you at?' Rachel glanced at her watch, aware that she only had another minute or two. She started trying to gather up her belongings whilst listening to Jan. She reluctantly called a halt to the conversation when she had to leave the room. Janet's final, cheesy 'byee' left her with a smile that was still lingering when she reached the lobby. Gill cocked an eyebrow at her.

'Don't get too perky. _You're_ going to have to re-check all those crime scene photos when we get in, _before_ our meeting with Superintendent Wallis. So that gives you, what, half an hour? Head down Rachel.'

Rachel nodded seriously. She got that it was crucial they made the right impression, checked their facts and put their case across. She knew what rested on it. She opened her mouth to protest that Gill should trust her, then checked herself.

'I was chatting to Janet,' she said. Might as well be honest. Gill gave her a sharp look then a short nod, but her face relaxed slightly. That excuse for Rachel's good humour made sense. At least she wasn't getting cocky.

'How's tricks with her then?' Gill asked as they headed out to the car. Relieved, Rachel relayed the important parts of her phone conversation then subsided in the passenger seat. She used the first part of the journey to send a few texts – Dom, Janet – whilst Gill was busy negotiating the unfamiliar road system, then she switched into work mode with a vengeance. Head down. She would show them.

...

Janet heard her phone beep twice while she was driving into work. She glanced at her handbag when she stopped at a traffic light but played it safe and resisted the urge to check it. So she was just reading Rachel's message as she got out of her car in the station car park.

**Thanks for phoning. This is fun but i couldn't do it all the time. Will be nice to be home. Take care x**

Aww Rach. Janet smiled to herself. Rachel and Gill would be back tomorrow then everything would get back to normal again. She looked up to see where she was going and her eyes met Andy's. He too was just getting out of his car. They were obviously the first ones in again this morning. He caught her smile and smiled back. Janet felt a flutter of nerves which she hastily quashed. Almost everything could get back to normal. Some changes she was just going to have to get used to.

Janet spent the morning checking out various things that her suspect had asserted during the hours of interviews yesterday. Most of his claims proved to be absolute bollocks and easy enough to confirm. Provable lies. That was something more to throw at him when she went back in later. They were waiting on forensics too, so she had some time to catch up on paperwork. It was whilst she was busy with that that her phone buzzed for the second time that morning. Rachel again? Or was it one of the girls? Unusual for them to text her at work though, it wasn't as if she could bring their games kit in if they had forgotten it. Not that sort of mum, thank goodness. Janet's eyebrows raised when she saw that it was from Gill. Twice in two days, and in the middle of a big investigation, not like her ladyship.

**Dunno what you said but its done the trick. You put a smile on madams face. Dont want these southeners thinking were all miserable sods up north. Cheers! Gx**

Janet lifted her head and stared across her desk without really seeing the room around her. It's nice to be nice, she thought, with a touch of irony. But she found she was smiling. It was nice to know she could have an affect on someone, and good to know that Rachel was all right. She hadn't said anything on the phone, but maybe whatever had been bothering her yesterday had resolved itself somehow. Maybe she really was just homesick. Janet's smile turned to a hint of a smirk. Tough girl Rachel, homesick. She would have to remember to pull her leg next time they had a drink together. Movement caused Janet's eyes to focus again and she realised that Andy was approaching. He leaned over Rachel's desk, meeting her smile.

'Are you ok?' He had his special voice on. Janet did a quick check to make sure there was no one else in the room, but Andy had at least chosen his moment well.

'Yeah,' she nodded, trying to aim her smile at him properly. She was still not entirely comfortable with what she had done last night but that wasn't Andy's fault. She couldn't take it out on him if she had guilt issues. 'Yeah, just...' she leaned forward, 'not here, ok?'

.

Janet spared a moment, later in the afternoon, to wonder what exactly Gill thought about her and Rachel. She hadn't said anything about her to Gill in ages. The rare occasions they got out for a drink by themselves these days they tended to talk about the latest case or the kids. Janet had fought shy of asking too much about the fella Gill was seeing, Chris, because she was trying to avoid having to mention Ade. She had been avoiding talking about both Andy and Rachel as well with Gill, not trusting her face or body language not to give her away. That was the trouble about being a copper, with coppers as your best mates. You never knew what they were going to pick up on. So Janet wondered, driving over to pick up the suspect's girlfriend, had Gill picked up on something between her and Rach? It was not impossible. They worked together so closely so much of the time. Janet wasn't aware of being careful around Rachel, trying to hide things, so maybe they had let something slip. And Gill was different from any of the others – if anyone could read a nuance where everyone else would miss it, she was the one. Janet wasn't sure how she felt about that thought. Or what she was going to do about it.

She was even more suspicious when, just as the team were calling it a night, she got another text from Gill.

**Think you can work your magic act again? Give her a ring? I owe you. Gx**

'That your boyfriend?' Kevin teased as he pulled on his coat. Janet wondered what her face must have been like to provoke a comment, but perhaps it was just Kevin.

'No' she deadpanned at him, widening her eyes. 'The boss, checking up on you.' His forehead creased. She couldn't resist prodding him a little further.

'She wants to make sure you haven't burned the place down yet.' Kevin rolled his eyes and departed. Janet turned her attention back to the message. Something wrong with Rachel again. She frowned. This wasn't normal. And Gill taking so much personal interest in her. Janet sensed, rather than heard, Andy sidling over behind her and she swiftly blanked her phone.

'Do you want to go for a drink? Just a quick one.' He looked so hopeful but she was preoccupied with the puzzle sparked off by Gill's text. Still, she made her voice soft and her face regretful as she lied, off the cuff.

'Mmm not tonight sorry. I've got to pick up Taisie and her friend from dancing and I promised the girls pizza. I think they want us to watch a film together. Sorry.' She made it sound as genuine as possible. She was sorry, surely. 'Maybe tomorrow?' She raised her eyebrows and was inwardly relieved when Andy smiled.

'Sure.' He looked almost as if he was about to kiss her and she drew back a little.

'I've got to go.'

...

Rachel lay curled up on her hotel bed, watching her phone light up, listening to it buzz dully against the mattress. Janet calling again. That must be the fifth or sixth time it had lit up. Rachel hadn't the heart to answer. What could she say? She was shit at lying to Jan. And she didn't want to talk about it. Nick Savage. It made her feel ill. It made her feel hot and panicky and deeply deeply angry in a way that she hadn't even begun to process yet. She couldn't put it into words. The minute she picked up the phone though, Janet would know something was wrong and she wouldn't just let it go. That was the thing about Jan, she wanted to know when you had a problem, she wanted to help, and she wouldn't rest until she got to the bottom of something. That was the thing she loved about her. It was part of what made her such a good copper. And such a good friend. But tonight, Rachel couldn't cope with that questioning. She couldn't deal with talking about it. She wanted to forget it. Forget everything about him. That would be nice. Because now, even the good memories were tainted. Every time she remembered something that had been fun, or romantic, or caring, she wondered if he had been manipulating her at the time. Had he been comparing her to one of his others, had he been trying to control her, had he already been planning to have her killed? Rachel shuddered. Her phone buzzed again, lighting up the room a weird bluish half-light. That must be the seventh time.

It was nice that Janet cared – Rachel tried to make herself feel better although it was hard to work up enthusiasm for the thought. Manchester felt a very very long way away tonight. She picked up the phone and toyed with it. Maybe she should send Janet a text. Something to stop her ringing all night.

...

The room was dark. Janet lay awake, staring at the windows and the vague patterns made by the streetlights and shadows. Rachel hadn't answered. What was that supposed to mean? Gill had told her to phone Rachel so, presumably, something was wrong, but Rachel hadn't answered. Did that mean things were worse? Did that mean things were ok now? And what could have happened since this morning when Rach had sounded on top of the world? Janet turned over with a huff and stared at her phone, willing it to ring. She had bought the girls pizza on her way home from work, feeling guilty for lying to Andy and hoping to assuage it by making the lie that bit smaller. Neither of them had wanted to watch a film though, thank goodness. Their tastes diversified too much these days to agree on a movie night without riots and bloodshed. Gone were the days when Janet could shove on the latest Disney and have peace for an hour or so. Janet couldn't have settled to a film tonight either. She had spent the whole evening trying to get Rachel on the phone and had decided to alleviate her frustration by tackling the ironing pile. It had worked for about an hour, until she got bored. Who would be a housewife?

Her phone buzzed and Janet nearly hit the ceiling. She pounced on it. Text, not phonecall. Rachel. Finally!

**Sorry. Absolutely wrecked. Tell you about it when I see you. Back tomorrow, just one loose end to tie up. Night night x**

Janet frowned at the phone. 'Oh no you don't madam. You're not getting off that easy.' Did Rachel really think she could blow her off like that when Janet had been ringing off the hook all evening? Janet's fingers flew furiously. She dumped the phone on the bedside cabinet and and flopped back on her pillow again. There. Rachel had better text back. Janet could wait. It wasn't like she was going to be getting to sleep any time soon.

Back tomorrow – good. It was funny noticing how much she missed having her around. Like when she got stabbed and couldn't move properly for months. She hadn't realised how much she needed those muscles until they didn't work any more. It was unsettling to discover that you relied upon something every day that you weren't even aware of. Ok, it wasn't quite the same with a person. Janet knew she relied on Rach to be there, to share things with, to listen. She just hadn't realised how much until this week.

Night night x. She could do with a kiss goodnight, Janet thought then mentally scolded herself. She should have had enough of that last night with Andy. And she could have had more if she had wanted. Andy was certainly willing enough. It wasn't the same though. Janet couldn't even begin to unpick the reasons why it wasn't what she wanted tonight. She looked over at her phone again, waiting.

Just tired. She shook her head at Rachel, even though she was several hundred miles away and couldn't see. If Rach didn't know by now that Janet could tell when she was lying... Honestly!

...

**Is everything ok? Gill said something, thought there might be something wrong? X**

Rachel read Janet's text with a smile and a sigh and a frown. She wasn't that surprised to get an immediate response. Janet was never one to let her alone with her problems. She smiled because it was so Janet, and sweet of her too. Felt a bit like home – home being the office, of course. She sighed because she knew Janet knew she was lying but she couldn't bear to go into it tonight. Thinking about it would just... No. Stop it. Rachel took a hold of herself and shoved the thoughts of Nick Savage firmly to the back of her mind. Again. Under lock and key. Where he ought to be. When she saw Janet, she would tell her. When she could hang on to her to help ward off the thoughts and the awful sick feeling. When Janet's calm reasonableness could help her to control the anger that had already started to bubble up. When Janet could hold her and make her feel safe again.

Rachel re-read the text and frowned again. What was Gill doing talking to Janet about her? At least that explained why Jan had been trying to get hold of her, but what was Gill playing at? Rachel tried to think about it rationally, swatting away the familiar jealousy. Oddly enough, it had never occurred to her that Janet and Gill might talk about her. What had Gill said? Had she told Jan about Nick? No – that was personal information; Gill wouldn't break a confidence, too professional. What then? The question was bugging Rachel now. She hated people talking about her behind her back, even saying nice things. It gave her an itchy uncomfortable sensation. She had to know. She would lie awake all night, making up possibilities otherwise.

When she had sent her message, Rachel considered the idea that Janet had probably guessed it would drive her mad, that little comment about Gill. A way of making sure she replied. Rachel pursed her lips as she switched off the light. It was great having someone who knew you better than you knew yourself – except when it was a curse.

...

When the next message came through, Janet allowed herself a triumphant little smile.

**What's Godzilla been saying? I'm fine, just tired. Missing home, how weird is that? X**

'Knew you couldn't resist,' she muttered to herself, or to faraway, unlistening Rachel. Rachel didn't care what absolutely everybody thought about her. She was more sensitive than she let on, perhaps, but she had a fairly thick skin. But Gill, that was another matter. The Boss's opinion was sacrosanct, no matter how Rachel kicked and whined in private. Janet chuckled up at the phone and re-read the few short lines.

The fine part was the same lie, of course, but the missing home would be true. Janet wondered how she would cope in that situation, thrown into a different environment, different colleagues and having to be at the top of your game. Gill thrived on it, she knew. She got a buzz off it like nothing else. Rachel, she knew, wanted to be like Gill, but was she? There was a lot more softness in Rachel than she would ever willingly admit and she couldn't hide it as well as she thought she could. Not to Janet's mind, anyway. She needed solid ground to stand on. Rachel came off as cocky and pushy at a first glance. But Janet knew that she was riddled with questions in a way that Gill wasn't. Gill, Janet knew from the long years of their friendship, knew herself, her abilities and limits, and she had confidence in them. Rachel... Well, Janet worried about her.

Heaving a sigh, Janet turned over onto her side. Her thoughts were going round in circles. She composed her reply slowly. Things obviously were not ok with Rach. If she would not talk about it, though, Janet couldn't force her. Not without a bottle of wine and being in the same postcode. Still, she wanted to offer some comfort, some sign that she understood. Something maybe to make Rachel smile. Janet was good at that, she was proud to say – making Rach smile when she felt shit. It was a bit of a speciality of hers. It always made Janet feel better too, sharing in those moments. Thinking back over the last few times she had managed it, Janet's eyes started to close. There was that day last week, when Rach had had to stay in rewriting all those forms on the Wilson case because someone had spilled coffee on them. Janet had brought her a dual-pack of giant sized Cadbury's bars. That had been a nice surprised smile. And then the Friday before, or was it Thursday... Janet's breathing slowed. Her eyelids flickered as her thoughts melted into dreams. Still clutching her phone, she slept.

...

Rachel wasn't sleeping. Just lying, staring, waiting. Thinking about Janet, and Gill. It was a little over two years she had known Janet now and she had never had a friend like her. She hadn't even known that closeness like this existed before. Two years, and the idea of not knowing Janet seemed completely alien. Like trying to imagine a world with no daylight or coffee. Janet and Gill though, they had been friends for like twenty years. Not the same kind of friends. Rachel gave a slight shudder at the thought. Snogging Godzilla – eurgh. Quickest way she could imagine to commit suicide probably. But that wasn't what she wanted to think about. What she was thinking was – twenty years. Rachel had still been a kid when they first met. The only people she still knew from then were her brother and sister. What would it be like to be close to someone for that long? She couldn't imagine. It was weird, because she couldn't imagine not knowing Janet now but she couldn't imagine knowing her for twenty years either. What was it like? What did Janet and Gill talk about? Rachel shifted uneasily in the bed. Why had they been talking about her? Suddenly, she wondered what Gill thought about her and her friendship with Janet. Was she jealous too? Rachel made a little scoffing sound. Gill jealous of her – not bloody likely. It must be a bit odd though, to see this friend you've had for years getting pally with somebody new. Rachel shunted over onto her side; a strange tightness started in her shoulders. Godzilla did watch them all, after all, at work. She must have personal thoughts as well as work-related ones. She must know a lot about them all and form opinions and that. She was a copper, she saw things, she deduced. Rachel wriggled round again onto her other side. She just couldn't get comfy and now her legs felt twitchy. What did Gill's observations lead her to think about Rachel? And about Rachel and Janet's relationship. Friendship. Whatever you called it. Rachel sat up, picked up her phone, scrolled down to Janet's number. She stared at it. She scrolled up to find Gill's. Then she flopped heavily back on the bed. What was she going to do – phone her up and ask if she thought something funny was going on between two of her DCs? Mmm, yeah, subtle. Rachel flicked back down to Janet's number. She didn't want to talk to her. She didn't want to talk about stuff. She didn't want to have to answer questions, to explain, to remember. So she couldn't phone Janet. It was only logical. What was illogical was that she wanted to call her now in spite of all that. She wanted, badly wanted, just to hear her voice. The phone buzzed and beeped in her hands.

**Nothing specific, just said to call you. It would help if you could find the answer button tho. Be good to have you back place isnt the same. Sleep tight. Xxx**

A small smile crept onto Rachel's face from the corners. At least, reading Jan's words she could hear her voice in her head. She could picture her expression too, even imagine the three quick kisses. The puckering of her lips, the moment of pressure, the tender sound. Hugging one arm around herself, Rachel texted back. She placed the phone back on the bedside cabinet then changed her mind and picked it up again. Tucking it in close, she curled up and determined to sleep.

...

Janet stirred when her phone lit and hummed in her hand but she was too tired to really wake for anything less than an emergency. She slept on, leaving the last words of the night unread.

**Ok. See you soon. Night xx**


	14. Chapter 14

**The night before Series 2, epsiode 5 begins. I thought Jan looked like she needed a cuddle at the start of it.**

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Rachel tucked her knees up tighter and curled her fingers around her glass of red wine. She was sitting on Janet's sofa with half an eye on the telly, waiting for Janet to come back downstairs from seeing her mum got into bed ok. Rachel looked up as she heard a door open then close somewhere above her. Footsteps crossed the landing then another door opened. Rachel heard muffled voices and hit mute on the TV control. Of course the girls weren't asleep yet. Jan had sent them upstairs an hour ago but they were teenagers - far better things to be doing of an evening than sleeping. Rachel hoped they were gonna be quiet though and not start acting up tonight. Janet was under enough stress as it was. To be fair to them, the girls didn't usually kick off much when she was around but Rachel had heard enough from Janet to know that they were quite capable of raising merry hell when they wanted to. Fortunately, things seemed peaceful enough. Rachel had deliberately left the sitting room door open so she could hear a bit of what was going on. Just in case. Now she heard Janet's footsteps on the stairs again and a moment later her friend appeared in the doorway. Rachel leaned her head back and smiled at her gently. Jan looked tired.

'Here.' Rachel leaned forward and lifted a second wine glass from the coffee table. 'I topped you up, thought you'd need it.'

'Thanks pal.' Janet closed the door quietly and sat next to Rachel on the sofa, leaning forward as though she was expecting to have to jump up at any second. She took a judicious sip of wine and stared into the glass. Rachel waited. Janet was still tense. She took another, longer sip then put the glass down. She let her breath out in a long controlled sigh but continued to stare into empty space, still hovering uncomfortably on the edge of her cushion.

Rachel dumped her own glass and reached out one hand to rest on Janet's shoulder. Janet looked up. Her eyes were particularly large tonight in a face that seemed to shrink away from them. She looked terrified. Rachel stroked her hand across Janet's shoulders repeatedly, soothingly. It cut her to see Jan looking like this but the only thing she could do was to be strong for her, be there for her, for as long as she was needed. She was, possibly, the only person Janet would let herself be this vulnerable around, certainly one of a very small handful, so she was determined not to let her down.

'What if I can't do it Rach?' Janet's voice was a cracked whisper. Her eyes pleaded with Rachel for reassurance. _Tell me it will all be ok. Show me I am tough enough._

'Eh come 'ere.' Rachel slipped her arm right around Janet and pulled her gently towards her. Janet went willingly, slipping her shoes off and pulling her feet up as she leaned in. The two snuggled into the sofa together, Rachel holding the smaller woman in her arms. She seemed very small tonight, pressed against Rachel's side, as though anxiety had literally eaten some of her away. It was one of those moments when Rachel felt compelled to hold onto her tight, just in case she disappeared somehow.

'Shhh' she breathed automatically as she stroked Janet's hair. Jan wasn't crying, just holding herself very still.

They stayed like that for what felt like a long time and, ever so slowly, Janet began to relax.

'I keep seeing Veronica, dead. In the ground. I keep seeing her again.' Janet spoke very quietly, still staring off to the other side of the room. Rachel cocked her head slightly to show she was listening but she knew better than to interrupt.

'And I keep imagining all the other ones, the ones from the crime scene photographs and others. All of them in the ground together. I don't know why, it's not logical. And there's loads of them. There's hundreds. I see Veronica and then I look around and there's just more and more of them. Then I look back at Veronica, six years old and he did... that to her.'

Janet reached up a hand and gripped Rachel's.

'Then I think I'm going to walk into that interview room tomorrow morning and go for him. I really think I might.'

She shifted and turned her head so her eyes met Rachel's, an edge of desperation in their deep blueness. Rachel squeezed her hand.

'I know.' She spoke softly. No point telling Janet that she wasn't going to do that, that she was too professional and well-trained to do that, not now. What Janet needed was pure comfort. Her rational brain knew all that stuff. It was the rest of her that needed at this moment. The confused little girl, the freaked out teenager, the furious detective, the scared victim, the outraged survivor. She needed to feel herself, just as herself, beyond all those labels.

'I know.' Rachel brought their linked hands up to stroke her fingers down Janet's face. She repeated the words and the gesture several times until Janet screwed her eyes shut and shook her head. She pressed her face into Rachel's shoulder and Rachel felt the slight wetness of tears against her neck. Janet sniffed hard and lifted her face. Her eyes were damp and her mouth gone all slippery. Rachel looked at her appraisingly and Jan gave her a small, almost sheepish, smile.

Then she closed her eyes and leaned forward to press Rachel with a kiss. After a moment, Janet snuggled back down against Rachel and began idly stroking the hand that she had been hanging onto. Rachel looked down at her, affection warming her bloodstream.

'I had a dream, last night, as well.' Rachel immediately picked up Janet's more hesitant tone of voice.

'Oh?' she prodded very gently, not wanting to push but sensing there was something Janet wanted to get out.

'Mmm. This is going to sound crazy.' Janet turned her face against Rachel's sleeve, seeking physical reassurance. Picking up the cue, Rachel slid her hand free to start stroking again. She knew, from rare and precious experience, how comforting that simple action was. It was enough, Janet continue.

'You know how things get all mixed up in dreams. Well, it was like that, dead... bodies.' Janet choked on the last word and had to swallow a rising sickness before she could continue. She knew she had to tell someone to start the process of getting these images out of her head. It was one of the things that worked for her. And there was only Rachel, for this one. She couldn't go to Gill who was up to her eyes in organising this whole set-up; she couldn't tell Ade when they were barely on speaking terms; Andy wouldn't have understood exactly and she had been avoiding intimate conversations with him lately; her Mum would have gone off the deep end. No, there was only Rach who she trusted enough, who would understand why this was getting to her, would look after her and listen but wouldn't try to stop her going into that interview and facing that bastard and doing what she did best. So Janet steeled herself and went on, summoning up the images of that dream, winding inwards through her story, trying to make it easier to tell.

'There weren't lots of them that time. It was in the woods, like where they found Veronica. I saw Veronica first. By a tree. Then, there were only two others, a bit further away. In the middle of a clearing. Together.' Janet froze as she recalled standing there in that dream, looking down on two little bodies, completely unable to move or breathe or think or even scream. Frozen.

'It was the girls. My girls.'

Rachel's hand stilled for a second. She felt her stomach turn over, fear and disgust curdling sickeningly, followed by a hot shot of anger. She loved those girls. Not like Janet did, obviously, but with a strength and fondness she had never expected of herself. And she understood what they meant to Janet.

In that second everything remained frozen – Rachel's hand on Janet's back, Janet staring away from her, the dreadful image hanging in both their minds, the two women powerless to help the victims.

Then Rachel was holding Janet tight and Janet was crying hard and the image was melting back into dark fragments in the corners of their minds.

Rachel was still struggling with the personal aspects of this case. She wasn't used to things getting so close to home. They were the detectives. They figured it out and caught the bad guys. They weren't supposed to get hurt. Ok, rationally she knew that police officers sometimes got attacked, but it had never happened to anyone close to her so part of her had believed it never would. Until Geoff Hastings stabbed Janet, Rachel had still carried a certain childish internal conviction of her own invulnerability. That one sad, nasty little man could almost destroy one of the people Rachel held dear had shaken Rachel's world-view to the core. She still felt a niggling guilt that she had precipitated the attack. Most of the time, she managed to put it all out of her head but every now and then she was reminded of how lucky she was to still have Janet in her life. She cradled her friend now, muttering soothing nonsense and holding on tight until Janet's deep sobs shuddered to a standstill and she breathed more quietly.

It was a release, Janet knew, the crying. It was to do with letting go of those images that had scared her more than anything. She should welcome it and she did. An unspoken fear like that would be a way that Geoff could control her and that was the last thing she wanted. It left her very drained though, such an uncharacteristic outburst. Drained and tired and cold. She let her eyes close and breathed in the familiar comfort of Rachel. She could almost drift off, lying here, gradually noticing the warmth seeping through from Rachel's body, the sense of safety. She could just zone out.

Rachel smiled to herself when she realised that Janet had practically fallen asleep on her. She couldn't see her face clearly but she could feel the relaxation in the way that Janet held herself. It was very different from her earlier thrumming tension. Rachel rested her hand on Jan's side and let her own head loll against the arm of the sofa. It was a good sofa this, for cuddling on. Lots of space and deep comfy cushions. It was made to be shared and Rachel hadn't at all forgotten that it was the first place that she had kissed Janet. Her lips curled in a self-deprecating smile as she remembered that. She had been so strung up, so confused, so needy. It felt like a lifetime ago, tonight. Rachel had to acknowledge that she was feeling unusually calm and collected tonight, perhaps because she had to be. It wasn't how she had mostly been feeling lately. But tonight Rachel didn't even want to think about her own problems in case they spoiled the hard-won peace of this moment. She pushed them resolutely into their own box in her brain and turned her eyes back to Janet again. Somewhere under her hand, under Janet's clothes, was the scar from that day. Rachel's fingers twitched. She had never seen it healed, she wasn't sure she wanted to. Rachel had had nightmares about the blood, about the wound. She couldn't see pink for months without visions of deep red blood spreading across it. Janet stirred and Rachel realised that she was clutching a handful of her top, screwing her hand into a fist. She dropped it quickly and smoothed the fabric again, her hand sliding over Jan's stomach unconsciously, fingers just catching a sliver of skin between clothing.

Something shifted. The tiniest tremor went through the pair of them. Rachel shifted and Janet turned, definitely awake now. The confined space and tilt of the sofa pushed them even closer into each other. They smiled softly. It felt good when you shared an understanding. Rachel slid a hand behind Janet's head and gently pulled her in to a kiss. Janet's mouth opened on a sigh. They drew it out, lips and tongues moving together slowly with a quiet familiarity. She didn't have to think about it, Janet realised. She just had to feel what Rachel wanted, what she wanted and the kiss took on a mind of its own. Rachel's fingers moved in a random pattern against her scalp, sending tiny tingles across Janet's skin. It was sweet, relaxed, giddy-making and strangely trance-like. The kiss stretched over the minutes in the quiet house. Janet's hand found Rachel's cheek and rested there, cupping her face as it moved slower and slower. The kiss broke up into fragments as they paused, resting their lips together, then smiled and kissed again. They rubbed noses and Rachel turned her head to place kisses along Janet's cheekbone. Janet responded by twisting her head still further and kissing Rachel's ear. Rachel felt a warm shiver in her belly that went way beyond affectionate. She should go, she told herself. She should stop now. She wasn't entirely sure if Janet knew what she was doing to her and she didn't want to take advantage of that. Rachel wasn't sure but she suspected that feeling too much might be breaking the terms of their agreement. So Rachel reached for the dregs of her self-restraint and tried to kiss her way to a standstill. It was hard with Janet's mouth warm on hers, their bodies pressed into one. It was so hard to tear herself away. Rachel could have happily stayed there all night. It was late, though, and Janet had a difficult day ahead of her. Pinning her thoughts on that, Rachel managed to stop herself. She smiled at Janet and brushed strands of hair out of her face, trying to draw back a little.

'You ok now?'

Janet smiled at the concern shadowing Rachel's eyes, even as she felt a little of the old chill when she thought about why Rach was asking. She nodded. In a few days, hopefully, she could put that chill aside for good.

'I should probably go. Let you get some sleep.'

The thought flashed across Janet's mind that she had a better chance of sleeping right there on the sofa in Rachel's arms than she did in her own bed but she dismissed it. She needed to be alone to prepare herself for this interview. Leaning on Rachel wasn't going to help with that, no matter how nice it felt.

Janet nodded. For a minute longer, neither of them moved, both savouring the last opportunity for peace and intimacy that they were likely to get in a while.


	15. Chapter 15

**I'm really sorry I haven't updated this in ages. Janet/Rachel are still my favourite Scott and Bailey ship but I have been getting distracted lately, mostly by random oneshots. Also, with trying to fit this into the series, I'm running out of likely moments and I'm trying to drag it out as long as possible because I love writing this. This is not the end! Hope you haven't given up reading!**

**Set just after the end of Series 2, episode 6.**

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Janet Scott was nervous. She hated being nervous. It made no sense whatsoever. There wasn't even anything to be nervous about, she told herself firmly. All she was doing was having her best mate over for a cup of tea and a chat. There was nothing more to it than that. And she was confident that Rachel's talk of resigning was all talk. Or mostly confident. She was confident that she could talk Rach out of it at any rate. So why was she fidgetting the newspaper into a right mare's nest? Janet got up from the sofa with a sigh. She dumped the whole pile of newspaper pages in a heap on the floor. _I give up. _So she and Rachel had a slightly... unusual way of helping each other at times. Helping? Comforting? Cheering each other up. Sharing. Janet was aware that that particular defence was wearing thin, even in her own head. But she refused to feel guilty about it. She hadn't felt guilty when they started and she was a single woman now, answering to no one. It would be stupid to feel guilty about it now. And she had it all under control, well within limits. It was – not nothing, but nothing to worry about. Really. Janet beat up the cushions, straightened her jumper, smoothed back her hair, and flicked some imaginary dust off the arm of the sofa. Nothing to worry about, nothing to get worked up about, nothing to be nervous about, nothing to be excited about. So why the tightening in her belly, the tingling on her skin, the buzzing in brain? Janet flopped down on the sofa again and ran over their phone conversation in her head.

.

'Do you want to come over?'

Rachel hesitated. 'Aren't you busy?'

'Not really,' Janet glanced down at the newspaper spread over the sofa. She could hear the wind buffeting Rachel's phone as she paused again.

'What about the girls?'

'They're with Ade for the weekend. Mum's out too, some afternoon tea date thing.' The pause this time was even longer. Janet imagined Rachel jittering about on the spot, trying to make up her mind. It went on so long that Janet began to wonder if their connection had been broken.

'Hello? Rachel?'

'What time they back at?' Blurted straight out. What was going on?

'Ummm the girls probably won't be back until this evening, but Mum said she'll probably back around six-ish.' Better not to ask on the phone. Better to get her round here and then peel back all the issues.

'Ok.' Decision made. 'I'll ditch the chimp and his mini-me and I'll be round in a bit.' Rachel hung up so suddenly that Janet's 'byeee' was mostly to the dial tone.

.

Janet checked her watch. It was gone half-five already and still no Rachel. If she didn't hurry up, Mum would be back before she got there and then bang went any chance of a private conversation. An odd thought struck Janet. Was Rachel doing this on purpose? Was that the reason behind the twenty questions game on the phone? That she wanted someone else around, didn't want to be alone with Janet. Janet tried to firmly stamp on the thought that said her current state of nerves was connected to the same thing. Why were she and Rach nervous about being in a house alone together?

...

Rachel Bailey sat in her car, twisting her hands. It was time to go. She ought to get out of the car, walk round the corner, ring the bell of Janet's house and go talk to her friend. She had already been sat there for five minutes and if she didn't get a move on Jan's mum would be back already and there'd be no chance of a decent chat on their own. Course, there'd be no chance of anything else they might do if left on their own for too long either. Which was kinda the plan. _Cunning plan_, Rachel thought, Janet would like that. Except she couldn't say that to Janet, because Janet didn't want to talk about anything to do with this _thing _that they did, that was between them. But, Rachel thought with rising panic, it was rapidly getting to the point where they would have to talk about it, where something would have to change.

Rachel didn't remember much about that night when she had punched a lamppost. She didn't really remember the lamppost. She did remember snogging Janet down the alleyway. No, not snogging, something much more moving and what?... intimate... had gone on that night. It was all a bit blurry – hot and close and images and feelings merged together. She couldn't pinpoint exactly what she had done, she remembered the feelings most clearly. She remembered the desire. Janet's desire.

It was bugging her, it was haunting her. She knew how she herself felt. She knew she had fancied Jan for a while now. It had started off as wanting to be like her, craving friendship, developed into attraction, and something deeper, caring. But she had never expected Janet to want her in the same way. She had always been off limits. Even when they started this snogging thing, even when that happened, it had felt almost like it happened of its own accord. It was easy to tell herself that it was about comfort or friendship or safety or trust – nothing sexual, nothing more. Or like it was Janet just being nice to her, not like she really wanted Rachel in the same way that Rachel knew, deep deep down, that she wanted Janet. Janet, after all, was the one who had told her to be satisfied with Sean. And she wasn't. Couldn't be. He couldn't fill the gap she had in her life, inside her.

So it felt wrong, like taking advantage, like breaking their agreement, to want something. And it was scary to know that things had shifted. To realise that all her assumptions had been wrong. It seemed dangerous to acknowledge that Janet might desire her too. Because if they both knew this, and Rachel knew that if she knew it then clever-clogs, insightful, people person, brilliant detective Janet Scott definitely knew it - if they both knew this, then they were going to have to do something about it. And then their whole world could change. Scary.

It was a toss up between fear and desire. Rachel hated being afraid of things. Usually she dealt with it by just running straight at the thing that scared her, bull at gate. But when there were other people involved... it was harder. She felt a sense of responsibility that was more or less foreign to her. Because there was something else, too. Something Rachel did not want to admit, even to herself. It wasn't just about sex. Maybe once that had been the height of what she had not-quite-let-herself-imagine. Maybe. She had always wanted Janet as her friend though. And she cared about her by now so much. Rachel suspected that the emptiness, and frustration, and the longing that she felt at times, more and more frequently, could only be soothed by one person. And that was terrifying and confusing in so many ways that Rachel Bailey didn't even know where to start thinking about it.

Rachel checked her watch. Another five minutes gone. What was she going to do? Her thoughts were chasing themselves in circles. Jan was going to be wondering what had happened to her.

Time to go. See what happens.

...

The jangle of the doorbell made Janet jump. Her heart thudded uncomfortably as she approached the front door. She recognised Rachel's silhouette, turned away, scanning the street.

'Hiya.' Janet sounded just her usual self, calm and warm. She was almost surprised that her own voice didn't betray her.

'Hi.' Rachel dithered on the doorstep until Janet waved her in, giving her friend a quizzical look as she passed. Rachel looked nervous too. And tired. She leaned against the wall, hands bunched in her coat pockets, and sighed.

'So... still not a fan of little uns then?' Rachel pulled a face and Janet couldn't help but smirk. Bless her.

'Do you want a cup of tea?' She wandered down towards the kitchen, calling back. Rachel followed.

'Go on then.'

Janet filled the kettle, switched it on, put two teabags in the pot, reached two mugs out, crossed the kitchen to ferret in the cupboard for biscuits. Rachel watched. Stood in the middle of the kitchen near the table.

'Why is everything just shit?' she demanded over the roar of boiling water. Janet could hear the catch in her voice. She turned to look at her friend. Rachel was clutching the back of one of the chairs, her knuckles white, the scabs there standing out raw.

The kettle clicked off.

'Oh Rachel.'

Janet sympathised. She knew what it was like. But there was nothing anyone could say when you felt like that, nothing that worked, nothing that didn't sound stupid and meaningless, and empty. Her heart ached for Rach. The look in her eyes. The pain evident in the way she held herself. The frustration and betrayal. She wished she could take it all away. Janet leaned against the worktop, forgetting the tea, waiting for something to suggest itself.

Rachel looked down at the floor. Sucked in a breath.

'Sorry,' she said forcefully. 'Sorry,' looking up at Janet again.

'Don't be.' Janet said softly. So soft it made tears start up in Rachel's eyes. Roughness she could have coped with - a lecture, telling off, even hard common sense. But softness, niceness, kindness cut her to the quick. And everything about Janet was soft today, she noticed. Her jumper, her hair, skin. Eyes. Rachel gripped the chair harder still. She felt the skin split slightly across her battered knuckles. Pain. Good. She wasn't going to be able to hold out long against all this softness. Already she longed to bury herself in Janet's arms and forget about everything. _But you can't._

'Oh come here.' Janet's voice. Rachel struggled to meet her eye, looking at her obliquely. She shook her head. More tears. Janet leaned forward, insistent.

'Rachel, come here.'

Rachel gasped, almost a sob. She took one step, still clinging to the chair for a moment, then she sort of staggered, let go and found herself wrapped up in Janet's arms, clinging to her instead.

'I can't' she muttered into soft blonde hair. 'I can't. I can't.'

'Why? Why can't you?' Janet sounded so calm, so rational.

'It's just...' Rachel heaved a breath, tried to make herself push back and failed utterly. 'It's too...'

'It's ok.' Janet stroked one hand up and down Rachel's back, long and slow. She spoke into her neck, close and soft, almost in her ear. 'It's ok.'

'Is it?' Rachel asked and a bell rang way back in her head. W_e've been here before. _But everything had changed since then, since she last asked Janet that question, and then kissed her. Everything.

'No.' Rachel shook her head, pushing her face closer in to Janet's shoulder, lost in tangles of hair.

'It's all...' she threw up her hands behind Janet's head in a hopeless frustrated attempt to convey the magnitude of what she couldn't say.

'How can you be so cool calm and collected?' she demanded. She brushed at the ends of hair getting in her eyes, suddenly almost angry, trying to fight her way out. Janet gripped her tighter, arms about her waist, hands splayed across the small of her back. Rachel stilled just as suddenly.

She became aware of a heartbeat thumping hard against her chest. Not her own. Lips brushed against her ear shiveringly.

'I'm not.'

Rachel turned her head so that their eyes met. She lifted it easily now, no longer fighting confusion. Blue eyes wide, softly lined skin, lips slightly apart.

It was there again. The wanting, the desire, the heat rising between them. And this time Rachel was fully aware, fully in control of herself, not pissed out of her tree. She listened to Janet breathing, felt her chest rise into her own, her breath tickle across her face. All the tension, all the strain of thinking this was something she was pushing Janet into – and here they were, Janet nudging her onward. And she remembered something else about that night when they had first kissed. Remembered thinking that the passion of Janet Scott was something incalculable. Something she could get lost in.

Their eyes were still locked. Janet's arms were still tight about Rachel's waist, holding her body against her. Rachel's fingers still rested on the softness of Janet's jumper. Their breaths came together, a little faster now. Tension building.

Janet's eyes flickered to Rachel's lips. Any second now she was going to crack. Any split second. All that carefully constructed control went in a silent snap and she was kissing Rachel before she had even made the decision to do so. Eating her almost, trying to swallow her, so desperately did the desire hit her. And Rachel too. They were both clutching at each other, matching each other kiss forkiss, breath for breath. Janet repeated her stroking motion but fiercely now – reaching higher to dig her hands into Rachel's hair and lower too. Rachel bunched handfuls of the soft fabric of Janet's jumper, stretching it against her skin. _Skin_, thought Janet impatiently, _that's what I want_. She tugged at Rachel's top, slid her hands underneath, reaching up, up, up her back, trying to pull her even closer into herself, stifling Rachel's gasp with her mouth. Rachel was trying to get her hands everywhere at once, trying to squeeze them between their tightly pressed bodies, to feel. She ducked her head, lips pressing into Janet's neck, mouth searching out a pulse point. She couldn't help smiling when she felt Janet's bodily reaction. Her head thrown back, back arching into a bow. Rachel felt like she was flying – 600 miles per hour. She clawed at Janet's clothing. _Too many layers_. Their knees banged together, they were standing so close. And as Rachel's knee slid between Janet's, Janet hitched herself closer still, one hand firmly wrapped in Rachel's hair now, the other sliding down her leg. _I want you. _Her mouth opened wordlessly as she felt Rachel's teeth. This was beyond... anything. She slid one hand under Rachel's top again, creeping round the front, exploring soft, firm, smooth skin. Enjoying the way Rachel's mouth faltered as her breathing stuttered. _God Janet._

It was Janet who heard the key in the front door. _Shit._

Her head turned sharply. Rachel froze, catching on. Janet saw the familiar shape of her Mum outlined against the panes of glass. She pushed Rachel back, moving with her, out of the line of sight from the hall.

'Only me,' Dorothy's voice called as she pushed the door open. 'Margery says hello and you must come round to hers for tea sometime, bring the girls.' Dorothy continued talking as she took her coat off and to it hung up.

In the kitchen, there was a frantic tugging at clothing, wiping at faces, tucking things in.

'Hi Mum.' Janet's voice sounded strained. She swallowed several times before trying again. 'We're in the kitchen. Rachel's just popped round.'

Rachel felt shaky. She ran a hand through her hair – all over the place, but at least that wasn't out of character. Janet turned to her, mouthed _Do I look all right? _Eyes enormous, mouth tense. Rachel raked her eyes over her. _More or less._ She nodded. Try to be reassuring. Try to be calm and together. But her insides were crawling with guilt and frustration and anger at herself. That was not supposed to happen. Her eyes followed Janet as she went back over to the kettle. Only an expert in Janetness could have told that there was something not right about the way she held herself. Rachel could. But she didn't think Janet's Mum would. She could hear Dorothy's footsteps coming down the hall.

'I was just going to make some tea,' Janet smiled at her Mum. 'Do you want some?'

Janet pressed the button on the kettle and used the noise and the faffing about with cups and teabags as an excuse not to listen while her Mum chattered away at Rachel.

Reign it all in. Tamp it all down. Lock it all away now. Rachel was right to make sure they wouldn't be alone together for long enough. Things were getting out of hand between them. She was going to have to think long and hard about this if they weren't exceedingly careful from now on. When she was with Rachel, when they were... carrying on, she didn't want to stop. And she didn't want Rachel to stop turning to her, or for Rachel to stop being there for her. But when she thought about it rationally, when she was on her own...

Janet wasn't sure that she was ready to turn her life that far upside down. She wasn't sure she was even ready to think about that.


	16. Chapter 16

**Right, sorry it's taken me so long to update this. I've been running around in real life and lacking inspiration for fic-ing. But, Bleed for Me, the new S&B book is out next week and series 3 will be starting soon so hopefully there will be more. This chapter is based on a scene in the first book - Dead to Me but there are no real spoilers for plot.**

**Thank you everyone who has been reading this! It's one of my favourite things to discover that people from all around the world have read bits of it so thank you. And if you're still reading, thank you for your patience!**

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'You ok to get home? Where's your car?'

'I'll get a taxi,' Rachel answered. She didn't want to think about her car, parked outside Rosie's block of flats, about driving over there full of purpose when Rosie was still... about Rosie lying there all... All the images came crowding back in. She shook her head. As if that would help.

'Do you want me to drop you?' Janet was being uncommonly nice to her. Rachel wasn't sure it was helping. She also wasn't sure what to make of it. Rachel knew she had been a pig to the other detective so far, looked down on her mostly. But then, she was the one who had called Janet. Rachel was confused. Too tired to think straight. She shook her head again.

'No, no, don't bother.' There she went, pushing people away again. Life was simpler.

Janet opened her mouth to protest, then changed her mind. Her sharp eyes took note of the way Rachel was holding herself together, arms wrapped tightly around her torso, still shivering. Kid was probably only just keeping it all in. She obviously didn't want to break down in front of anyone. Janet didn't want to kill her with kindness, or get a smack in the teeth. So she just shrugged and let Rachel pull out her phone, call a taxi, then watched as she lit up a cigarette.

After her first long drag, Rachel realised that Janet was still standing there.

'Be ten minutes, he said.' She snatched another drag. 'You can go, y'know.'

'I'll wait.'

Rachel only shrugged, too tired to argue. Nothing made sense right now so why shouldn't Janet Scott start being nice to her? She stood and shivered and smoked her fag hard.

For her own part, Janet wasn't quite sure why she was waiting with the girl. Protective mother instinct maybe. Seeing that Rachel could be vulnerable, could actually care about something, someone, had touched Janet slightly. Rachel was more like a human being tonight than she had been since she joined MIT. And Janet respected her efforts at holding it together, her attempts at putting up a front; she recognised them. Maybe not the most sensible way of dealing with a traumatic event in the long run but it could get you through the worst till you had the time and space and capacity to deal with all the shit.

Rachel ground out her cigarette and looked at the packet. She wanted another but that would make her look like a real addict. She glanced sidelong at the older detective who was standing with her hands in her pockets, gazing up the street. _Fuck it. _What did she care what Janet thought? She didn't notice Janet watching out of the corner of her eye as Rachel tugged out another cigarette and lit up again.

'Have you...?' Janet started, then she let the question die in the cold air between them. _Have you got someone to go home to? _She suddenly knew that the answer would be no. And making Rachel give it would make it all the worse for her. She could offer to take Rachel home again, try to call her later, push her to talk, but Janet could tell it would be useless. Kid didn't trust her and why would she? After all, did she trust Rachel? _About as far as I could throw her. _Janet recognised a shade of affection in the thought though, that certainly wouldn't have been there two days ago. Or two hours ago. Just went to show, anything could happen.

'Have I what?' Rachel demanded, shuffling her feet. She felt put on the spot, even though she didn't know what Janet was asking.

Janet shook her head. 'Nothing.' She smiled that disarming little smile that Rachel thought she probably used on suspects to put them at their ease. It made her feel defensive. _What's she looking at anyway? _The woman hardly even looked cold; she looked relaxed, like she could wait all night. She was watching Rachel, as if she was waiting for an answer – but she hadn't actually asked a face was impassive, patient. Rachel realised that she was staring and hurriedly looked down at her feet. She concentrated on smoking, not noticing that Janet's focus had shifted.

'Is that your cab?'

Rachel spun round. _Thank God. _She stamped out the end of her fag, turned towards the taxi as it drew up, then stopped and turned back again. She should say something, she knew. Thanks, or something like that. Something nice. Polite. Rachel just stared.

_My God she really doesn't know what to do with herself,_ Janet thought. She stepped forward. Put the poor kid out of her misery.

'Go on get a bloody move on.'

Janet almost laughed at the look of relief that washed over Rachel's face. She turned stiffly back towards the taxi again. With her hand on the handle, staring blankly across the top of the vehicle she managed to jerk out 'Thank you. Janet.' And she swallowed hard.

On a whim, Janet reached out and pressed her gloved hand to Rachel's arm.

'Try and get some sleep,' she said gently. 'See you tomorrow.'

She walked off quickly, deliberately not looking at the wetness glinting on Rachel's cheeks. Rachel threw herself into the back of the taxi. She choked out 'Chadderton' then huddled back into a corner, cradling the arm that Janet had grasped.

A hollow of loneliness was expanding under her ribcage. She had a ridiculous longing to run to someone and bury her head against them, have warm arms wrapped round her, someone tell her that everything was going to be ok. Ridiculous. She had never had anyone like that. She had never done that. _I bet Janet would be good at that. _Ridiculous. Rachel hit her head against the back of the seat. Why did nothing, _nothing_, make any sense?


	17. Chapter 17

**Inspired by Series 3, episode 2 – this one takes place in two time periods, just like the episode so watch out for that. Just to be contrary, I've put the present day stuff in past tense and the months previously stuff in present tense. It made sense in my head! **

**As always, thank you for reading. I promise there will be more of this- I just love writing and shipping these two and the new series is beautiful.**

* * *

Janet blew her breath out steadily into the still air just to watch it, white and thick, drifting away from her. Cold day. Too cold to be sitting around waiting for a suspect who might or might not turn up where he was supposed to be. Too cold to be following Rachel's hunches really, but then it was never quite that cold, no matter how bad the weather was. At least the bonnet of the car was warm behind them and Rachel was warm beside her. Better not to thing about Rachel's warmth though, dangerous territory these days. She seemed to spend far too much time skating on the very edge of a crack with nothing but dark water beneath her and she had never been that good at keeping her balance. Janet tipped her head back and blew out again, trying to drive her anxieties and unwanted thoughts away on that long lifting gossamer. All she had to do was act normal.

'He's not like that though, Sean. He's nice.'

.

'Yeah but it's not what I want.'

Rachel looked hard at Janet, willed her to look back at her, but Jan was staring off into the nether-distance, being deliberately obtuse. Rachel wanted to shake her. She had been telling the story all morning with a particular aim that she was leading up to but, now that she was getting close to the end, she was getting nervous. She just wanted Janet to understand. Surely she was making it obvious enough. If they could only get past a basic understanding, an acceptance, then they could skip all the rest of this shite and Rachel could just be kissing those lips that she couldn't quite stop looking at. But Janet was in a world of her own, only half-listening to the things Rachel was saying. Or rather, Rachel supposed, to be fair to her, Janet was only listening to the things Rachel was saying out loud, and not to all the rest of the stuff that she was looking and hinting at and trying to get out of her mouth. Rachel thought she was being pretty obvious actually, given she couldn't take her eyes off Jan, but seeing as Janet wasn't looking back, maybe it wasn't working. It was just so hard to say it out loud.

.

Janet was thinking about Adrian and this new girlfriend of his. She couldn't be quite sure if she had ever met her, all those teachers blurred into one, or at least into the same old types that had been there when she was at school. At one parents' evening, Janet had actually had to stop herself from calling one of them the name of her own old form teacher. It would be a big change for the girls, adjusting to a new person in their dad's life, though she was confident they would cope. They seemed to cope with everything much better than she had thought possible. A few tears, usually from Taisie, but they seemed to be accepting the constant reassurances that both their parents loved them, more than anyone else. Elise had perfected an eye-roll for when Janet reminded of that. She wondered how they would react if she brought someone home, if it was someone they knew, if it was Rachel. Not that she would. She had to put that out of her head, once and for all now.

.

'I phoned Ade before.'

'Did you?' Rachel watches her closely.

Janet takes a deep breath. 'Yeah.' She tries to smile, makes a strange grimace.

'Right.' Rachel nods. Janet does too.

'I think we should... try again, him and me. I mean, if he wants to that is.'

Rachel conceals a wince, as if she would just assume that the "we" Janet meant was the two of them, as if she could ever assume she was part of any "we" that matters.

'Good.' She knows she sounds hollow but it's the best she can do.

'Good.' She tries again but a smile is way beyond her. It's too much to ask really at the end of today, it's only the day she's been arrested for attempted murder, found out her ex has been nearly beaten to death and now she's getting chucked over. Funny that, getting dumped from a relationship that doesn't really exist. What do you call it?

'Rachel are you ok?' Janet is looking puzzled, concerned again. Does she even know what she's saying? Has Rachel picked up the wrong end of the stick? As usual.

'It's fine.' All this on top of the queen-mother of a hangover. 'No, really, I'm fine.'

.

'Are you listening to me?' Rachel leaned in closer. Still no sign of the suspect and she was getting fed up of Janet's dolly-daydream act.

'Yes.' Janet turned her head and looked her square in the face. She was pale, Rachel thought, even her lips looked pale and her eyes were huge, maybe she was cold.

'Janet.' Rachel touched her hand lightly to her friend's back. 'I'm saying... he's not what I want.'

Janet drew in a deep breath, held it, let it blow smoke between them. She spoke slow and quiet.

'We agreed, we weren't going to do this any more. We said Rachel.'

'I know.' Rachel shifted her hand higher, fingers brushing Janet's scarf at the nape of her neck. 'I made a mistake.'

'Rachel we're working.' Janet looked away from her. Rachel could see her breath coming faster.

'There's no one here,' Rachel whispered, her eyes on Janet's lips.

'Rachel.' A warning.

Rachel shrugged her disappointment, dropped her hand.

'Fine.'

.

Janet could feel herself quivering, though she hoped it was so small and tight a motion that even Rachel had not noticed. She as finding it hard to draw breath. She was, angry, she realised. Furious as well as frustrated. On edge. They had an agreement. They had made a decision, both of them, that they did not do this any more. They had stopped months ago. They had got control of themselves. They had each decided that it wasn't what they wanted and they had made choices. Rachel had chosen Sean, got married. Janet had chosen to try and save her marriage. Even if it hadn't worked out the way they wanted it to, that didn't mean Rachel could just turn round now all of a sudden and demand more. She couldn't just turn her feelings on and off like a bloody tap.

.

'Janet I've been thinking.'

It's bloody freezing standing out, waiting for taxis, especially when there's just been a rush on and they've all gone off leaving a lull of nearly five minutes now.

'What's up?'

Sean has grabbed the only taxi that has pulled up and he's having a crack with the driver, obviously going to be a while yet. Janet wraps her arms tighter round her body, tucks her hands more firmly under her armpits and looks at Rachel. It's bloody freezing but Rach has her coat open, a pathetically flimsy jumper underneath. It's a wonder she's not shivering, but she's just staring, very still.

'What?' Janet asks again, reaching out to take Rachel's hand. The leather of their gloves shifts slightly between them.

'I don't think we should do this any more.' Rachel squeezes her hand as she says it, hanging on.

'What?' Janet feels a tremor go through her, understanding.

'This us thing, what we do.' Rachel's eyes flick sideways then back again. 'I don't think it's good for us.'

Janet fights herself to stay calm, to sound calm, the same way she would in an interview, not to sound accusing or scare the person off.

'Why?'

Rachel sucks in a breath.

'I don't think... I'm good for you.'

'Rachel.'

'I don't want to ruin your life Janet.'

Another taxi pulls up and Rachel sprints over to it. She looks back while she's waiting for the driver to let the window down, peaking round over her shoulder. Janet is standing there against the building, still hugging herself tight.

.

'I am sorry, Janet.' Apologies always came out of Rachel stilted, like she was reading some formal letter that she had never seen before. Janet hunched her shoulders against the memory of that night, those feelings. Then she let her breath out long and slow, watched the barely visible threads tangle and drift away from her, rise and disappear in mere seconds.

'Do you have any idea... how much that hurt?' she asked, head tilted skywards.

'I made a mistake. I'm sorry.' It even sounded real this time, sounded genuine, almost natural and Janet was turning towards her when a movement caught her attention – car turning into the square.

'This it it. We got him.'


End file.
